Apr 10, 2014

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller

A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Ravenswood Manor

Tags agent, books, boys, bungalow, buyers, chicago, complaint, discrimination, disobedient girls, divorce, erotica, historic, lincoln square, nightside table, ravenswood manor, realtor, Rockwell Crossing, seller, sexism, staging

Apr 3, 2014

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014

In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Lakeview

Tags agent, attic, bean bag, buyers, chicago, children, coonley, cps, homes, lakeview roscoe village, listing, man cave, neurotic, northside, parents, realtor, schools, sellers, single family, two flat

Mar 26, 2014

Jealous Swans Force AFLAC Executive to Sell

Jealous Swans Force AFLAC Executive to Sell

The Swans had no idea. They had been residing blissfully in the master ensuite, an adoring owner who thanked them repeatedly for his fortunes. Then their master left the bathroom television on by accident one day. The swans were furious. How dare their captor use a lowly duck to solicit the masses. An attempted drowning followed, then a quick call to a realtor, and now a battery executive is rumored to be the new buyer.
Edgewater

Tags advertising, AFLAC, agent, andersonville, bathroom, buyer, chicago, duck, edgewater, Energizer, ensuite, executive, lakewood-balmoral, master, north shore, northside, real estate, realtor, seller, swan,

Mar 21, 2014

NAACP Vegan Girls Wear Fur to Sell Home

NAACP Vegan Girls Wear Fur to Sell Home

Selling a home in Hyde Park requires just the right mix of eccentricity to appeal to the neighborhood's notoriously unique reputation. And this family's children, rumored to be friends with the Obama girls, have taken to wearing their favorite furs to sell their childhood Victorian home. As an added bonus, the girls are offering buyers their famed Broccoli Brats at this weekend's open house.
Hyde Park

Tags agent, brats, buyers, Chicago, children, eccentric, fur, home, hyde park, meat, MLK, NAACP, neighborhood, obama, open house, realtor, selling, southside, unique, vegan, victorian

Mar 19, 2014

Realtor Assures that Creepy Dolls Included

Realtor Assures that Creepy Dolls Included

The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Lincoln Square

Tags albany park, barbie dolls, basement, brick, buyers, chicago, creepy, Diana Ross, elvis, Grease, home, lincoln square, listing agent, multi-unit, north park, pop icons, price, realtor, sale, three flat

Mar 12, 2014

Seller Assumes Nobody Will Notice

Seller Assumes Nobody Will Notice

The seller of this outdated Bucktown worker's cottage knew his lack of windows would turn off potential buyers. So he did what any native Chicagoan would do, and installed a beautiful bay window, directly on top of a five foot mound of snow. "At least he used a level," muttered one prospective buyer.
Bucktown

Tags agent, bad carpenter, blog, broker, bucktown, buyer, chicago, climate guard, installation, logan square, pella, polar vortex, real estate, realtor, seller, snow, West Town, Wicker Park, window, winter, worker's cottage

Mar 5, 2014

Children's Bathroom Sells Home

Children's Bathroom Sells Home

Parents are tired of exposing their children to marketing devices cloaked inside adorable furry creatures. At least that was the sentiment coming from the buyer of this loft style home, in West Town, who looked at his screen-free kids before proudly blurting, "Now that is what I'm talking about. Sold!"
West Town

Tags agent, bathroom, boobs, buyers, chicago, children, disney, exploitation, factory conversion, home, lesbians, loft, marketing, mermaids, mosaic, realtor, ukrainian village, unique, West Town

Feb 27, 2014

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Andersonville

Tags agent, andersonville, blog, builders, buyers, chicago, contractors, designers, edgewater, exposed piping, gutted bathroom, HGTV, Lakewood Balmoral, millennials, open kitchen, real estate, realtor, remodel, renovation, rogers park

Feb 19, 2014

Supreme Court to Rule on Hardwood Floors

Supreme Court to Rule on Hardwood Floors

A local Chicago buyer has taken her builder to the nation's top court to decide if her hard wood floors are truly hardwood floors. The builder released this statement through his press agent, "I am builder, yes? She is ask for hard wood floor. I am make hard wood floor. I no understand problem. Lady is tell me she like deck I make very much. I am even make her special baseboard. America is crazy country."
Albany Park

Tags agent, albany park, america, builder, buyer, chicago, deck, developer, edgewater, hardwood floor, house, lincoln square, metal stud, real estate, realtor, scumbag, seller, supreme court, treated lumber inside andersonville, bowmanville

Feb 13, 2014

Lincoln Square Alcoholics Celebrate Winter

Lincoln Square Alcoholics Celebrate Winter

Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Lincoln Square

Tags agent, alcoholics, buyers, captain realty, chicago, lincoln square, listed, maintenance, north center, polar vortex, property, realtor, seller, short sale, Skyy Vodka, snow, Swedish, victorian, Yule pole

Feb 7, 2014

Rosemary's Baby Found in Northside Attic

Rosemary's Baby Found in Northside Attic

Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers  journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Albany Park

Tags Rosemary's baby, satan, polanski, mia farrow, attic, buyers, seller, realtor, concealed weapon permit, duplex up, Albany Park, Lincoln Square, Chicago, northside, scary baby, two flat

Jan 30, 2014

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Edgewater

Tags Edgewater, Andersonville, Byrn Mawr, Lincoln Square, realtor, buyer, first home, agent, Chicago, northside, basement, patio table, beer chandelier, mobster, bungalow, single family, cheese ball, entrapment old style

Jan 24, 2014

Owner Markets Home to Kids Who Love Doors

Owner Markets Home to Kids Who Love Doors

In an effort to assist homebuyers in seeing past forty-three years of neglect, the owner of this Logan Square Victorian decided she would take a cue from Saturday morning cartoon advertisers and appeal to parents through their children, putting "Behind the Brown Door" on her flyers. The owner is currently debating between two offers, one in the form of a paper airplane, and the other in crayon.
Logan Square

Jan 14, 2014

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Tags agent, avondale, backyard, beer pong, blue line, buyer, chicago, conversion, flipper, lakeview, logan square, overpriced, real estate, realtor, rehab, single family, Solo cup, statue, vintage, Virgin Mary

Jan 6, 2014

Waterfall Feature Helps Owner Sell Dump

Waterfall Feature Helps Owner Sell Dump

Lured by the promise of a "rare two story waterfall", a pair of new homebuyers were duped into overlooking various details of this poorly maintained Logan Square two flat. As soon as the potential buyer asked about low water pressure, the owner would say, "oh, yeah, the waterfall does freeze up in winter but it's still beautiful. The neighbors are jealous, for sure."
Logan Square

Tags agent, avondale, bucktown, buyers, chicago, crampons, frozen, gutters, ice, liars, logan square, multi-unit, real estate, realtor, sellers, three flat, two flat, waterfall, Wicker Park

Dec 25, 2013

Foreclosures Offer Free Christmas Marketing

Foreclosures Offer Free Christmas Marketing

In a year end blitzkrieg to clear their already tainted books, major U.S. banks have teamed up with local retailers to offer promotions inside foreclosed properties in a last ditch attempt to lure home buyers into properties that even members of Chicago's vaunted homeless community have derided as "making our here shelters look like da damn Drake."
Albany Park

Tags agent, albany park, banks, buyers, chicago, Christmas, corrupt, Drake Hotel, foreclosures, GAP, graffiti, home, homeless, lincoln square, marketing, properties, ravenswood manor, realtor, Santa bankrupt, TARP, vandalism

Dec 16, 2013

Hansel & Gretel Fireplace Scares Nanny

Hansel & Gretel Fireplace Scares Nanny

In an effort to find some new amenity that homeowners will waste their money on, Grimm Brothers Construction, a local Chicago builder, has begun adding child-friendly fireplaces to their finished basements, with a promise that "your kids will learn the skills to enjoy life organically, creating combustion from both wood and flesh."
Old Irving Park

Tags agent, builders, buyers, chicago, contractors, death, finished basement, fireplace, Grimm Brothers, Hansel and Gretel, homeowner, lincoln square, nanny, Old Irving Park, ravenswood manor, realtor

Dec 5, 2013

Pop-Up Restaurant in Foreclosure

Pop-Up Restaurant in Foreclosure

Driven by a lack of restaurants in the Old Irving Park area, one homeowner decided to create his own in-home bistro, hoping its BYO status would attract budget conscious parents looking for a night time escape. Unfortunately, the diners were not aware that it was 'bring your own everything'. The bank is including the restaurant with the home sale.
Old Irving Park

Tags agent, bistro, blue line, budget, buyer, BYOB, home, homeowner, listing, logan square, Michelin, Old Irving Park, painted closet, parents, pop-up, ravenswood manor, real estate, realtor, restaurant, trendy

Nov 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Trix Tossed in Toilet

Thanksgiving Trix Tossed in Toilet

Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy" has yet to respond.
Edgewater

Tags agent, andersonville, black friday, bryn mawr, bunny, buyer, chicago, edgewater, landlord, ravenswood, real estate, realtor, seller, soggy balls, thanksgiving, three flat, toilet, trix, two flat

Nov 21, 2013

Seller Stages Home to Attract Those People

Seller Stages Home to Attract Those People

                

The seller of this converted Ukrainian Village storefront was adamant she appeal to those people, you know, she squawked, the ones who get it. Ninety-four days later, nobody seems to get it, except those that aren't permitted to buy the property due to a school across the street.
Ukrainian Village

Tags pedophile, playground, school, CPS, Pritzker, Mitchell, Walter Payton, Ukrainian Village, West Town, Candyland, Beanie Babies, freaks, storefront, converted, realtor, buyers, agent, Chicago, strange collections white van

Nov 13, 2013

 Landlord Solves Triplets' Breastfeeding Issues

Landlord Solves Triplets' Breastfeeding Issues

The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Humboldt Park

Nov 7, 2013

Afghan Immigrant Struggling with Native Rugs

Afghan Immigrant Struggling with Native Rugs

Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Edgewater

Tags Afghanistan, agent, albany park, america, bungalow, carpet, chicago, CIA, Dream Act, drones, edgewater, ESL, immigrant, NSA, obama, real estate, realtor, rogers park, rug, salesman, buyer

Oct 31, 2013

Is Selling a Home like Fun or like a Chore?

Is Selling a Home like Fun or like a Chore?

Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Lincoln Square

Tags agent, Air BnB, andersonville, bowmanville, buyer, chicago, chores, clean, crayons, frisbee, fun, lincoln square, market, overpriced, real estate, realtor, selling, to do lists, two flat, zine

Oct 24, 2013

Buyer Sees the Light

Buyer Sees the Light

After ten grueling minutes slogging through a dilapidated Pilsen foreclosure wondering why his realtor brought him to such a place, the exasperated buyer finally saw the light. And the rat holes. And the dusty stack of unpaid bills. And, the exit.
Pilsen

Tags agent, airBnB, bridgeport, broken plaster, buyer, chicago, foreclosure, light bulb, multifamily, northside, pilsen, real estate, realtor, seller, short sale, surrealism, three flat, two flat, vandalism

Oct 17, 2013

Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Rogers Park

Tags alcoholic, bars, basement, bungalow, buyers agent, edgewater, jameson, lake michigan, lincoln square, neon, real estate, realtor, rogers park, schlitz, sellers, stairway door handles, weird renvoations

Oct 10, 2013

Mother Intimidates Buyers Into Purchasing

Mother Intimidates Buyers Into Purchasing

A young couple looking at a worker's cottage in the Wicker Park neighborhood could not decide if they could accept the small yard, dated kitchen, and only one bathroom despite the competitive price. That was, until the matron of the home peered from behind the bedroom door, and sternly declared, "you don't buy this home, my kids don't eat."
Wicker Park

Tags agent, blue line, bucktown, buyer, chicago, first time, funny refrigerator notes, good schools, historic, logan square, psycho mothers, real estate, realtor, unique, Wicker Park, worker's cottage

Oct 3, 2013

Gay Couple Excited to Paint House

Gay Couple Excited to Paint House

The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
North Park

Tags agent, andersonville, art, bible, boystown, bungalow, buyers, chicago, Christian, evangelical freaks, gay, homosexual, Jewish, liberace, lincoln square, mural, north park, real estate, realtor

Sep 30, 2013

Buyer Impressed by Star Wars People

Buyer Impressed by Star Wars People

                           

The buyer of this mid-century Rogers Park ranch had always assumed that people who were into Star Wars lived below their mothers in musty basement apartments surrounded by George Lucas propaganda. Then he came across the seller's sleek orange fireplace and rhapsodized about the stylish futuristic aesthetic of a previously dismissed class. Due to time constraints, the buyer was unable to see the charred remains of Ewoks inside the coveted fireplace.
Rogers Park

Tags agent, andersonville, buyer, chicago, cosplay, eames, edgewater, ewoks, fireplace, mid-century, northside, ranch, real estate, realtor, retro, rogers park, saarinen, seller, star wars

Sep 20, 2013

God Admits to Landlord Troubles

God Admits to Landlord Troubles

God told the potential buyers of her 3 flat greystone that modern ideas of tolerance are not practical. "Back in the old days, you don't pay ya rent, I stone ya. And that don't work, I take ya first born."
Garfield Park

Tags 3 flat, agent, buyers, chicago, Christian, Garfield Park, god, graystone, historic, Lord Almighty, multi-family, real estate, realtor, section 8, sign, west side, West Town, Wicker Park

Sep 12, 2013

Dutch Elm Disease Spreads to Kitchen

Dutch Elm Disease Spreads to Kitchen

Refusing to be another pile of mulch in yet another Chicago community garden, this quadriplegic stump survivor decided he would reclaim his final years infecting the buttocks of Wicker Park renters who forgot to move to Logan Square ten years ago.
Wicker Park

Tags agent, bucktown, buyer, chicago, community garden, disease, doofus, dutch elm, hipster, logan square, real estate, realtor, reclaimed wood, recycle, renter, ukrainian village, victorian, Wicker Park