Nov 20, 2018

 Stolen Fresco the Highlight of Open House

Stolen Fresco the Highlight of Open House

Buyers were not interested in the Jewel cookies or poorly staged bedrooms of this Rogers Park historic bungalow, but they all agreed on thing - that 'art thing' over the living room windows was 'really f*&king cool'. When told by the listing agent that the really f*&king cool art thing was not included in the sale, potential buyers were outraged, stating it was the 'only thing in the house of any value'. The realtor apologized profusely, then offered extra cookies to anybody willing to write an offer right there and then. One rather large gentleman wrote an offer, took his free box of cookies, and left. Upon reviewing the offer, the listing agent muttered a bit too loudly, "I f*&king hate open houses."
Rogers Park

Tags art, bungalow, buyers, chicago, edgewater, estate sale, fresco, gluttony, Jewel cookies, listing agent, northside, offer, open house, realtor, rogers park, sale, stolen, vintage, historic

Oct 29, 2018

Spurned Seller Ruins the Halloween Spirit

Spurned Seller Ruins the Halloween Spirit

Bowmanville homeowner dismayed at the high prices people are paying for homes in his neighborhood decided to offend loyalists of America's largest two political parties mistakenly assuming said leaders and their adherents were the cause for the removal of affordable housing stock in this newly desirable enclave hidden between Lincoln Square and Andersonville. It was later revealed that the true reason the sourpuss could not simply stick upside down witches' legs in his yard like everybody else was due to the fact that no buyer would pay him the Redfin estimate for his home. 
Bowmanville 

Tags affordable housing, andersonville, bowmanville, buyers, captain realty, chicago, halloween, lincoln square, north side, offensive, political signs, realtor, Redfin, rising prices, Trump Clinton intercourse, zombies, parkways

Sep 17, 2018

Open House a bit too Open

Open House a bit too Open

The potential buyers of this classic pre-war Rogers Park home were so offended by the implication that they should 'get in bed' at an Open House that they finally enacted their destiny by taking their home search to lovely suburban Naperville, where the schools are better, the communities employ darling aspirational names, and neighbors simply request you place your keys in a bowl when coming to their 'special' nighttime parties, highlighting the social etiquette so desperately needed in Chicago.

Tags bungalow, communities, daybed, deco, etiquette, home, lakefront, Naperville, northside, open house, polyamorous, potential buyers, pre-war, realtor, rogers park, schools, subdivisions, swingers, vintage

Aug 10, 2018

Mujahideen Cafe Opens in Albany Park

Mujahideen Cafe Opens in Albany Park

Chicago's Albany Park neighborhood is known for it's wide array of inexpensive and delicious international eateries. However, the rising cost of Northside real estate has forced some enterprising restaurateurs into the city's burgeoning micro-restaurant scene, known colloquially as "eating at somebody's house". The latest underground hotspot to avoid the marauding onslaught of Yelp reviewers is the trendy 3368, serving up tasty delicacies from the caves of Afghanistan and select Pakistani compounds. Those fortunate enough to have dined at 3368 caution against the erratic hours and mercurial owner residing in the basement cellar.
Albany Park 

Tags Afghanistan, agent, albany park, bidding war, buyers, chicago, conspiracy theory, For Sale sign, market bust, mujahideen, northside, osama, pakistan, real estate, realtor, restaurant, unique locks, W eats Trump

Jun 26, 2018

DON'T TEAR DOWN THAT GARAGE!

DON'T TEAR DOWN THAT GARAGE!

The Convertible Garage business is booming. In Chicago, garages are generally poorly constructed frame structures left to rot until they collapse, or endure the wrath of a certain spouse who possesses supernatural abilities to foresee impending death. An enterprising Northside entrepreneur did what Amercians do best - find a need for something useless and promote it until it's needed. Soon, he discovered a segment of collapsing garage owners who craved room for their favorite sports but Chicago'ssmall backyards were unable to accommodate. 

So they began offering Rink-RagesHalfCourt-Rages, and Raquetball-Rages. When the proprietor was confronted about the anger he was infusing into his products in an era of the Anti-Bully, the press were told "well, I can't do the phonetic 'Raj" or I would have to deal with the Anti-Colonial British Empire hating crowd, and they have far more Instagram followers." The same Mahatma devotee was told his business had no place in Logan Square due to the hipster dismissal of sports as "too bro." Reporters were then told, "Logan is now Brogan, and all the hipsters have left for run-down mid-century homes in Northern Indiana." 
Logan Square 

Tags agent, america, avondale, backyard ice rink, basketball court, bro, Brogan, bully, buyers, chicago, code violation, entrepreneur, garage, hipster, logan square, northside, owners, realtor, seller, tear-down, Aldermanic Cage Match

May 23, 2018

Carpet is Back

Carpet is Back

Since Nancy Reagan's brutal War on Carpets decimated the furry flooring business, rugrats throughout the Basement Nation have been clamoring for it's return, joining various occult forces to expedite the demise of the public's soulless hardwood floor addiction. And they appear to be winning. winningRealtors have long been this great country's arbiter of what a homeowner needs to be fulfilled, and Chicago real estate agents are infamous for taking a leading role, whether it be in redlining or blockbusting, granite or waterbeds, you can count on your local realtor to assure the Joneses are never too far ahead. Upon viewing this Lakeview single family home, the buyers remarked, "Who the f*#k wants carpet. We're outta here." 
Lakeview

Tags agent, basement, buyers, carpet, chicago, floors, granite, hardwood, lakeview, multiple offers, Nancy Reagan, northside, realtor, shag, single family home, wall to wall, War on Drugs, waterbed, winning, good listing

Apr 27, 2018

Tenants Help Seller Find the Right Buyer

Tenants Help Seller Find the Right Buyer

The low rent paying tenants of this Logan Square three flatpromised the out of state owner of their building that they'd be happy to assist with fixing up the basement and making sure prospective buyers had full access to the property. The seller's realtor has also been happy with this arrangement which has allowed him to charge a full commission while never having to actually go to the property. After sixty-seven weeks on the market, neither seller nor agent can figure out why their once 'hot' property is not selling. 
LOGAN SQUARE 

Tags 2 flat, agent, basement, blood, building, chicago, dead people, hipster, hot property, landlord, logan square, Lord, low rent, multi-unit, prospective buyer, realtor, rent, seller, slumlord, tenants, three flat

Apr 11, 2018

Jay-Z Reminds Male Buyers to Ask Wife First

Jay-Z Reminds Male Buyers to Ask Wife First

A friend of Jay-Z's old neighbor's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law wanted perspective buyers of his Lincoln Square three flatto know that all offers would require an extended period of time for a response as he'll need to wait for certain outside advice on how to counter. 
Lincoln Square 

Tags 3 flat, agent, Beyonce, buyers, chicago, counter, desk placard, George & Weezie, Jay-Z, lincoln square, multi-unit, multiple offers, offer, ravenswood manor, realtor, sign, three flat, vintage, Zuckerberg

Feb 14, 2018

Squirrel Refused to Honor Dibs

Squirrel Refused to Honor Dibs

Attending an open house in Andersonville this weekend proved dangerous for an out of town squirrel. The visiting rodent was interested in seeing the spacious attic potential homebuyers had been talking about but was unable to find parking on the street due to the proliferation of discarded lawn furniture residents were using to claim public parking spaces. The attic squatting varmint was unaware that fifteen minutes of shoveling entitled a shoveler to indefinite ownership over said area despite the fact that her people have long practiced a similar claim after boring holes below a roofline. The last time a witness spotted the garden tormentor alive was when she discreetly placed the dibs items on the parkway. Services are being held at nearby Keim Furs. 
Andersonville

Tags andersonville, attic, chicago, dead squirrel, dibs, dibshit, furrier, garage, home buyer, lincoln square, murder, northside, open house, parking, pest removal, police brutality, realtor, shovel, snow, Trump

Dec 20, 2017

Santa Giving Up This Year

Santa Giving Up This Year

The Chicago neighborhood of Woodlawn has been experiencing the interest of developers and home buyers priced out of neighboring Hyde Park. But another curious entity has also discovered this Southside trend - Santa. Just days before the celebration of Christ's birth, children's toys have been mysteriously turning up in vacant backyards throughout Woodlawn and South Shore

One source close to the nimble footed Chunky Claus told reporters that she heard him mumbling about the unaccommodating hours of Toys-R-Us, then the higher cost of elf labor, and now the unrelenting assault by "Amazonk" who has essentially rendered his services worthless. It has been rumored that the former head of the largest toy distributing ring in the universe is considering driving for Lyft, telling the unnamed source "I don't need GPS, and I can cover way more ground than these schlubs. Sure after factoring in the cost of additional reindeers, increased reindeer dietary needs and reindeer insurance, I probably won't make much more than minimum wage, but what I am gonna do - sit around with those greedy midgets all winter." 
Woodlawn 

Tags agent, amazon, angry santa, backyard, chicago, Christmas, developer, discarded toys, elves, home buyer, hyde park, Lyft, neighborhood, realtor, south shore, soutside, unions, woodlawn, midgets

Dec 1, 2017

Swings Have No Home Here

Swings Have No Home Here

Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?" 
Rogers Park 

Tags activists, agent, buyers, chicago, hate has no home, home, home value, lakefront, lives matter, market crash, protest, rogers park, sellers, swingers, swings, Trump sucks, vintage, yard sign

Oct 24, 2017

An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar

An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar

Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Ravenswood

Tags #1, 3 flat, advertising, agent, bowmanville, buyers, chicago, cutting edge, drone, google maps, home, honesty, lincoln square, ravenswood, realtor, reliable, sellers, The best, two flat, unique

Sep 26, 2017

Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit

Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit

The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination. 
Avondale 

Tags alcoholics, american, avondale, bar, basement, bush, buyers, carpet, chicago, Clinton, flooding, foreign conflict, glory hole, handy, logan square, northside, realtor, red, Trump, Whack-a-mole, rags, carpet, yummy

Aug 21, 2017

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale
Humboldt Park 

Tags agent, au pair, bucktown, buyers, chicago, diy, exchange student, extramarital, for sale, humboldt park, logan square, montessori, preschool, realtor, repurpose, Scandinavian design, toddler, Wicker Park, throne

Jul 26, 2017

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous. 
Mayfair 

Tags agent, beards, beer swag, bungalow, buyers, cheez-its, chicago, cockapoo, Dos Equis, elvis, husbands, mayfair, northside, portage park, realtor, tchotchkes, two flats, XXX, NAFTA

May 4, 2017

Double the Pleasure Double the Fun

Double the Pleasure Double the Fun

Logan Square continues to showcase why it's the hippest neighborhood in Chicago with gut renovations featuring side by side commodes where research has shown that couples/roommates/dinner guests are most likely to forge deep connections with others. With an increased interest in open marriages and advanced age triplicates, some Logan developers have even been discussing the addition of a third loo. 
Logan Square 

Feb 27, 2017

Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge. 
Hyde Park 

Tags alternative facts, buyer, chicago, comic sans, fonts, home, hyde park, Kenwood, outsource, real estate signs, realtor, seller, south side, toilet, virtual agents, next stop India

Feb 15, 2017

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge". 
Portage Park 

Tags architect, bubble, buyer, chicago, Chistmas, crawlspace, flips, garish, gentrification, hiding, lawn decoration, nazis, portage park, realtor, rehab, renovation, second floor addition, tear-down, yuuge dormer

Dec 31, 2016

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak. 
Irving Park 

Tags 2016, 2017, agent, basement, buyers, chicago, clothesline, exorcism, home, huge, Irving Park, New Year, northside, Ravensood Manor, ritual, rodents, sacrifice, sellers, Trump, two flat, WEAK

Nov 23, 2016

Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers

Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers

In an effort to undermine their elderly landlord's attempt to sell his only worthwhile asset, and hopefully preserve their very below market rent, the tenants of this renovated Lakeview 6 flat posted a distinct warning to give prospective buyers doubts on their potential purchase. As of press time, there is still no confirmation that the tenants were subsidizing the homeless gentleman that was sleeping on their front stoop. 
Lakeview 

Tags 2 flat, 6 flat, agent, asset, below market rent, exterminator, homeless, lakeview, landlord, lincoln square, prospective buyers, purchase, rats, realtor, sell, stoop, tenants, Trump sucks, warning signs, vermin

Nov 14, 2016

Trump Supporters Offer Home Staging Services

Trump Supporters Offer Home Staging Services

Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer
Bridgeport 

Tags 2016 vote, agent, attractive, buyer, charlatan, chicago, Clinton, Donald, frumpy, Hillary, Lesbian Weiners, paneling, popular vote, segregation, seller, staging, Trump, white power, Idiocracy

Oct 21, 2016

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women." 
Jefferson Park 

Tags agent, bath fan, buyer, chicago, diy, exhaust fan, home inspection report, jefferson park, mars and venus, one of a kind bathroom, portage park, real estate, seller, six corners, spousal idiots, TESL

Oct 13, 2016

Lincoln Park - The Other Side

Lincoln Park - The Other Side

Lincoln Park is known in Chicago for it's well preserved and not inexpensive buildings consistently drawing the highest square foot home pricing in the city. However, if one looks closely between the multi-million dollar renovations and urban mansions, the sight of slightly decaying hundred year old frame buildings cast an odd wrinkle to the neighboring wealth. And much to a Lincoln Parker's dismay, the old miserly landlord won't sell. And his tenants prefer Bud Light to bathing much to the consternation of nouveau Logan Square residents who, despite their boastful pride of not being 'from' Lincoln Park, only differ in their eagerness to spend a disproportionate amount of their lower incomes on micro-brewed beers, who themselves, are hoping Bud Light will finally decide to buy them out so they can retire to Lincoln Park
Lincoln Park 

Tags agent, bathtub full of cheap beer boxes, beer, inexpensive, landlord, lincoln park, logan square, micro-brewery, miser, mop, preserved, realtor, renovations, snob, square foot, tenants, urban mansion, Bud Light Bros

Sep 29, 2016

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years. 
Andersonville 

Tags agent, alley, andersonville, black magic, bowmanville, buyers, chicago, foreclose, garbage, greed, home, lincoln square, marketing, occult, Ouija board, overpriced, realtor, sellers, short sale, The Big Short weegee, squeegee

Sep 14, 2016

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments. 
West Town

Tags addiction, agent, buyer, castration, chicago, dilapidated, divorce, hgtv, home repair, horror film set, house remodeling, househunters, northside, professional, realtor, renovation, TLC, West Town, Wicker Park, plaster, lath

Aug 26, 2016

Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves

Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves

Avondale home sellers are being forced to reconsider staging their homes with bike parts from Craigslist. The rapid increase in bicycle thefts across Chicago has seen a glut in demand for used bicycle parts leaving some bike burglars covering their windows to prevent other bike burglars from burglaring their recently burgled bikes. 
Avondale 

Tags agent, avondale, bikes, blue line, broker, burglars, buyer, chicago, demand, fixed gear, hamburglar, homes, logan square, realtor, security windows, seller, staging, thieves

Aug 15, 2016

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the house-nesting dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens. 
Bronzeville 

Tags 70's, agent, allergy, Bronzeville, buyers, carpet, chicago, dust mite, elitist, flooring, hardwood, home, hyde park, philistine, real estate, renovation, salvage, seller, shag, south side

May 19, 2016

Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains

Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains

Selling a home requires money to update and repair all the neglected items homeowners have ignored over the years. But after years of dumping money into their homes, many sellers refuse to spend more money on something they want to turn around and sell. This Albany Park home creatively tried to blend cost savings while appealing to the new hipster element slowly moving into the neighborhood. The owners are just hoping buyers don't decide to try on a hat. 
Albany Park 

Tags agent, albany park, bidding war, buyers, chicago, creative, hats, hipster, Irving Park, lice, lincoln square, listing, neighborhood, pork pie, realtor, sellers, staging, unique, water damage

Apr 20, 2016

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

For a certain class of Chicago homebuyer, one seeking out historic properties at a low low price, there are elements of the 19th century they are hoping discover: tin ceilings hidden above a dropped tile ceiling, ornate molding stacked in an attic corner, stained glass windows buried in drywall, coal chute doors behind a piece of plywood. 

One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so manyChicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystonesare recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use". 
Garfield Park

Tags agents, basement, bricks, chatroom, chicago, damage, diy, flood, Garfield Park, greystones, hipster, historic, homebuyer, humboldt park, idiot, lincoln park, realtor, vintage, waterproof, yuppie

Apr 8, 2016

Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

The prospective buyers of this Pilsen two flat refused to purchase a property that didn't have at least two bathrooms on one floor. After an exhaustive search, they discovered, behind a flapping piece of plywood, a secluded defecation alcove, nestled snug between the exterior porch and brick garage, lovingly heated by a dryer exhaust vent with unobstructed views of their tenant's kilowatt usage. The wife suggested making the toilet composting. The husband added that a skylight could be nice. And they lived happily ever after. 
Pilsen

Tags agent, bathroom, brick garage, buyers, chicago, compost, cozy, crapper, creative, green, listing lies, meters, outhouse, pilsen, property, purchase, real estate, two flat, water views