Dec 5, 2013
Driven by a lack of restaurants in the Old Irving Park area, one homeowner decided to create his own in-home bistro, hoping its BYO status would attract budget conscious parents looking for a night time escape. Unfortunately, the diners were not aware that it was 'bring your own everything'. The bank is including the restaurant with the home sale.
Old Irving Park
Nov 27, 2013
Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy" has yet to respond.
Nov 21, 2013
The seller of this converted Ukrainian Village storefront was adamant she appeal to those people, you know, she squawked, the ones who get it. Ninety-four days later, nobody seems to get it, except those that aren't permitted to buy the property due to a school across the street.
Nov 13, 2013
The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Nov 7, 2013
Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Oct 31, 2013
Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Oct 24, 2013
After ten grueling minutes slogging through a dilapidated Pilsen foreclosure wondering why his realtor brought him to such a place, the exasperated buyer finally saw the light. And the rat holes. And the dusty stack of unpaid bills. And, the exit.
Oct 17, 2013
After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Oct 10, 2013
A young couple looking at a worker's cottage in the Wicker Park neighborhood could not decide if they could accept the small yard, dated kitchen, and only one bathroom despite the competitive price. That was, until the matron of the home peered from behind the bedroom door, and sternly declared, "you don't buy this home, my kids don't eat."
Oct 3, 2013
The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
Sep 30, 2013
The buyer of this mid-century Rogers Park ranch had always assumed that people who were into Star Wars lived below their mothers in musty basement apartments surrounded by George Lucas propaganda. Then he came across the seller's sleek orange fireplace and rhapsodized about the stylish futuristic aesthetic of a previously dismissed class. Due to time constraints, the buyer was unable to see the charred remains of Ewoks inside the coveted fireplace.
Sep 20, 2013
God told the potential buyers of her 3 flat greystone that modern ideas of tolerance are not practical. "Back in the old days, you don't pay ya rent, I stone ya. And that don't work, I take ya first born."
Sep 12, 2013
Refusing to be another pile of mulch in yet another Chicago community garden, this quadriplegic stump survivor decided he would reclaim his final years infecting the buttocks of Wicker Park renters who forgot to move to Logan Square ten years ago.
Sep 9, 2013
A Chicago realtor advertising a Logan Square brick two flat as having a master bedroom flooded with light enticed one buyer to cancel his afternoon appointments in order to view this rare Chicago commodity. The current tenant expressed his satisfaction with the space exclaiming it was better than the run down garage he used to crash in.
Aug 29, 2013
A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Aug 23, 2013
Years after stainless steel appliances captivated kitchen owners across the country, their legacy, stained stainless, has finally taken control, and new home buyers can not wait to finally own these highly impractical overpriced machines. But one Lincoln Square curmudgeon has refused to let any home buyer get their greasy fingers on his perfectly fingered stained stainless refrigerator. And buyers are protesting by refusing to write offers.
Aug 13, 2013
With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Aug 7, 2013
For the last few years, more and more realtors are delegating sales responsibilities to the very dependable, and always hardworking, lockbox community. But sometimes a truly motivated realtor will engage in clever sales tactics like the listing agent for this fading Edgewater Victorian who deputized a local rooster to bake some cookies for the evening showings. No word on whether the lockbox was jealous.
Jul 25, 2013
Open Houses are generally known as a place where realtors can pick up new clients while pretending to be aggressively getting buyers through the home. Over the years, home baked cookies and assorted treats have been popular items to bring in nosy neighbors and other undesirables. But one Chicago agent discovered that a misplaced laundry line can really make your clients think you are working hard.
Jul 18, 2013
Since the 2007-2008 housing and banking crash, investigators have been entrenched in a worldwide hunt to uncover the notorious yet unknown cabal responsible for the gross misconduct dealt to the American financial system. At approximately 17:00 hours this past Friday, the cartel was discovered lounging in the basement of a Jefferson Park estate sale. When pressed for answers to their egregious behavior, the bearded one bathed in light laughed, then serenely pronounced, "y'all loved it while it lasted. 'nother brewski please."
Jul 12, 2013
A new game has emerged with home buyers in the low inventory Chicago market, where a buyer so desperate for a property will begin to blindly place bids on every third property in hopes that somebody, somewhere, please, yes, you, will take our offer even if we are unable to stand up in a single room.
Jul 10, 2013
Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Jul 5, 2013
Apparently too much swinging can eventually lead to the same financial calamities that have affected other foreclosed homes. Potential buyers and even their realtors are now asked to sign a swinging waiver before entering a property that clarifies that any swinging they may do is at their own risk.
Jun 28, 2013
Former Verona resident Juliet Montague was upset over her husband's purchase of this aging Avondale single family home stating that the suspended outdoor space was woefully unsuited to lure neighborhood men who might choose to serenade her on a warm evening.
Jun 21, 2013
In an effort to add some emotional value to their overpriced Albany Park two flat, the sellers asked their eight year old daughter to scribble sentimental notes on the wall and remain in mourning when potential buyers wanted to look in her room. The sellers did offer to leave their daughter if the buyers paid more for their furnishings.
Jun 19, 2013
Hoping to disguise ongoing water damage in their guest bedroom, the sellers of this Albany Park turn of the century cottage quarantined their dog to provide a seemingly valid excuse for why nobody could enter the room. One potential buyer overheard the ruffian muttering to himself, "my mother is a lying $#@&. save me. please. these glade plug-ins are killing me!"
Jun 14, 2013
After hours of being forced to watch HGTV by her parents, who were desperately trying to sell their overpriced Ukrainian Village home, this adventurous young girl decided to hide above her ill-fitting clothes. She was overheard by a realtor whispering, "Have you seen my backpack or my monkey?"
Jun 12, 2013
Surprised that five different buyers wanted to pay more than she paid at the height of the Chicago real estate boom, an overjoyed seller spent the evening, and most of the next three days, sequestered in her non-functioning jacuzzi tub wondering where exactly she would move to.
Jun 7, 2013
The seller's realtor was unable to provide a satisfactory answer as to why a 21st century homeowner would wallpaper the ceiling of an otherwise beautiful Logan Square Victorian. Then the buyer wandered into the basement office. As of press time, the buyer is still missing.
Jun 4, 2013
A notorious Northside VHS video pirate who would place subliminal anti-smoking messages in his bootlegs was unable to compete with the booming LaserDisc market and has become another victim of the Chicago real estate crisis, losing his Edgewater Victorian mansion to foreclosure.