Jan 25, 2015

Insulted Owner Refuses to Work With Realtor

Insulted Owner Refuses to Work With Realtor

Avondale is Chicago's next hot neighborhood, and realtors have been relentlessly pursuing owners to sell their poorly maintainedframe homes. But on a recent Sunday afternoon, onehomeowner, irate and shirtless in January, was seen screaming from his front porch, "I refuse to sell my home of twenty-three years just so some website designing smartphone brat can live in walking distance to a twenty dollar cocktail. How much you think I can get? WHAT??? You guys all suck! Why don't you bother my neighbor, she's invisible so you might have better luck. JAG!!!" 
Avondale 

Tags agent, avondale, blue line, buyers, chicago, cocktails, frame house, front porch, home, homeowner, logan square, marvel, neighborhood, polish, realtor, sell, superheroes, the thing, trendy, Milwaukee avenue

Jan 12, 2015

Realtor Promises Buyers Change is Coming

Realtor Promises Buyers Change is Coming

One of Chicago's top real estate agents refused to disappoint his clients. The buyers were not interested in restoring an older home or dealing with the quirks associated with vintage properties in Chicago. They wanted something new, so their agent took them to a property near the el with city views. And then he offset his clients fearful looks with a surprising billboard validating his assertions about change. 
Garfield Park

 

Tags agent, buyer, chicago, Church of the Harvest, city views, client, el, foreclosure, fraud, Garfield Park, house, housing crash, properties, real estate, realtor, vintage, west side, 2008, 2015, quantitative easing

Dec 30, 2014

Beanie Babies Decide to Sell Their Home

Beanie Babies Decide to Sell Their Home


Declaring that "Roscoe Village is done!", a collective of rarely seen Beanie Babies have decided to sell their quaint Roscoe Village house. "You know, we like moved here twenty plus years ago. Back then we were the only babies around. Now, babies are everywhere." Asked where to next, the group was split with older babies crying, "cities are nothin' more than overpriced boutiques and slums. We're going to get a farm in Indiana, plenty of shelf space there." But the younger ones simply said, "southside, baby." 
Roscoe Village 

Tags agent, Beanie Babies, bookshelves, boutique, buyer, chicago, children, cities, collection, farms, furries, home, lakeview, quaint, real estate, realtor, roscoe village, sell, yuppie, crazy collections

Dec 24, 2014

Santa Disappointed with Chimney Renovation

Santa Disappointed with Chimney Renovation

Modern homeowners who have allowed the mason industry to fulfill their desires for 'taller than my neighbor' structures have started to irritate Chicago's most respected chimney sweep. Speaking to reporters during his busy season, the heavyset Union boss said, "This is it. I'm done after this year. I can't be expected to fit in there. I hear there are some Drones from the Amazon that charge less then me. Let them do it. Little people, I seen them. Illegals probably, gonna put me out of business. But I don't care. I'm moving to Mexico to live off my social security." 
North Center

Tags agent, amazon, brick, buyers, chicago, chimney, Christmas, coonley, drones, illegals, lincoln square, mexico, neighbors, north center, obese, real estate, renovation, santa, seller, sweep, ravenswood manor

Dec 17, 2014

Vulcan Seller Offers Free Gifts with Purchase

Vulcan Seller Offers Free Gifts with Purchase

With yuletide hopes that some holiday shopper may overlook his years of deferred maintenance due to frequent trips to a far far away place, a Ravenswood Vulcan has decided to include his rare collection of plasticized family members should an intrepid buyer be willing to pay the steep list price on his neglected Victorian. Batteries not included.
Ravenswood

Tags action figures, agent, buyer, chicago, Christmas, collectibles, deferred maintenance, hoarder, home, lincoln square, list price, neglected, ravenswood, seller, shopping, star trek, victorian, vulcan, northside, uptown, real estate, lakefront

Dec 8, 2014

Picket Shortage Solved with Discarded Bikes

Picket Shortage Solved with Discarded Bikes

As the rise of unaffordable new construction homes sweeps Humboldt Park and Logan Square, home improvement stores are unable to keep fence pickets in stock as new neighbors begin the process of walling off from the native inhabitants. Some residents have protested by utilizing the remains of light pole festering bicycles in an effort to show new homeowners the essence of Logan Square. One bike fence re-purposer remarked, "This is Logan. Logan equals bikes. And bikes were here first." When asked why he didn't move further west where he could afford real pickets, the bike fencer responded, "Uh, well, there is nowhere to get a locally grown Mulled Apple Cider Ginger Mule."
Logan Square

Tags agent, bikes, buyers, chicago, fancy cocktails, fence, green homes, homeowners, homes, humboldt park, logan square, neighborhood, new construction, northside, picket, protest, real estate, realtor, repurpose, unique

Nov 18, 2014

Proud Garage Shelters Homeless Rodents

Proud Garage Shelters Homeless Rodents

An Edgewater garage, proud to be a member of the famed Balmoral alley, has decided to offset the premature Polar Vortex by allowing neighborhood rodents, vermin and other feral strays to lodge beneath her warm rafters.

When asked about the potential problems that might be caused for the home's sellers, the garage quickly responded, "Look, these buyers today don't care about us. My friends down the alley already warned me. The real estate agent says, 'do you want to see the garage', and they are like, 'no, that's ok. it's just a garage'. Just a garage! Well, I'll show them. Let's see what they think of my little betting parlor here, Rats vs. Cat. Already got a reality tv show calling."

Edgewater

Nov 6, 2014

All Natural Garden Gutters Attract Green Folk

All Natural Garden Gutters Attract Green Folk

With Green Homes and Green Design being such desirable traits, sellers are looking for all possible angles to highlight their property's green features. And buyers continue to look for visibly symbolic ways to offset their SUVs and triple head rain showers. Welcome the highly ornate, yet affordable, organic garden gutter, a new feature to the Chicago housing landscape, guaranteed to attract native wildlife while only allowing for gradual sustained water damage.
Avondale

Tags agent, avondale, buyer, chicago, clogged downspout, clueless, design, flood, garden, green, gutter, home, landscape, logan square, progressive, property, realtor, seller, subaru, sustainable, blog

Oct 29, 2014

Jury Summons for the Dead Sells Home

Jury Summons for the Dead Sells Home

An elaborate home staging helped transform a neglected Uptown three flat into an empathy generating estate sale. The sympathetic buyer quietly asked, "does this mean we can low ball them?"
Uptown

Tags agent, brown line, buyer, chicago, cook county, deceased, estate sale, home, jury summons, low ball, multi-family, negotiation, north center, ravenswood, realtor, red line, seller, staging, three flat, uptown

Oct 21, 2014

Logan Square Continues to Innovate

Logan Square Continues to Innovate

As Chicago's latest destination for the creative class, Logan Square has become a showplace for cutting edge design. One proud resident, who has decided to sell his two flat to move into a re-purposed Sub-Zero refrigerator box, showed off his ceiling surround sound, promising Sonic Youth "at a whole new level, man."
Logan Square

Tags avondale, blue line, bose, buyer, chicago, diy, home audio, in wall speakers, indie music, logan square, multi-family, pretentious, re-purpose, realtor, renovation, sell, sub-zero, two flat, unique, agent, real estate

Oct 14, 2014

Hidden Nanny Cam Impresses Buyers

Hidden Nanny Cam Impresses Buyers

After going through an extensive list of minor renovations in order to sell their home, the sellers of this Sauganash colonial were surprised to find out that their Coon Cam was a persuading factor. Despite the persistent objections of their realtor, the sellers were convinced their technological taxidermy would impress potential buyers, and after twenty-one months on the market, they obviously knew best.
Sauganash

Tags agent, art, buyers, chicago, children, colonial, dated, daycare, edgebrook, historic, home, listing, nanny cam, northwest side, raccoon, realtor, renovations, sauganash, seller, taxidermy

Sep 27, 2014

Who likes to Party?

Who likes to Party?

Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Sep 22, 2014

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its

Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Tags agent, bungalow, buyer, chicago, craigslist, diy, eminent domain, home, internet, listing, mayfair, monopoly, portage park, post-it, property, real estate, realtor, seller, trulia, zillow

Sep 12, 2014

Neighbors Sad to See Garden Tenant Moving

Neighbors Sad to See Garden Tenant Moving

The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Logan Square

Tags agent, Bloomindgale trail, buyer, chicago, garden unit, home, humboldt park, logan square, multi-family, multiple offer, peep show, realtor, sell-out, seller, shower window, stripper, three flat, Wicker Park three flat

Sep 3, 2014

Tripping on Linoleum Intrigues Buyers

Tripping on Linoleum Intrigues Buyers

Buyers from throughout Chicago lined up to trip on linoleum at this rarely available craftsman bungalow in Edgewater. The listing agent advertised that "tripping on linoleum has never been so fun" but was surprised to see that her cutesy expression attracted so many disheveled people adorned with dancing bears and fish, who appeared incapable of owning a home.
Edgewater

Tags advertise, agent, andersonville, bowmanville, bungalow, buyers, chicago, craftsman, edgewater, fun, hippie, home, linoleum, listing, own, rare, realtor, rogers park, stairs, tripping, LSD, acid, flooring

Aug 27, 2014

August's Fortunate Son Dons Flag Burqa

August's Fortunate Son Dons Flag Burqa

The feline guardian of this Albany Park Italianate villa was unable to deal with his castle's lack of central air conditioning despite knowing it is only needed for twenty-two days a year in Chicago. Honoring a tour of duty in Arabia that included dalliances with his more modest companions, a proud Sir Leo cooled off by raising his Stars and Stripes half-burqa.

And waiting for September so he can run free and let the uptight Virgo take over house greeting duties.
Albany Park

Tags agent, albany park, Astrology, August, burqa, buyers, central air conditioning, chicago, flag, home, HVAC, Leo, lincoln square, lion, mistress, north park, realtor, USA, villa, Virgo

Aug 19, 2014

Seller Not Sure Who the Mad Men Are

Seller Not Sure Who the Mad Men Are

An elderly home seller, confused and upset, was overheard asking her realtor why so many buyers kept traipsing through her home talking about 'mad men'. The listing agent was instructed to tell all potential home buyers that the men who spent time in this room were all good family men who gathered here most weeknights to avoid interfering with their wives and children.
Budlong Woods

Tags 1950's, agent, basement, buyer, chicago, children, drinking, home, lincoln square, listing agent, lounge, Mad Men, mid-century modern, northside, pastel, realtor, seller, split-level, tiki, AA

Aug 7, 2014

 Home Prices Plummet due to Plant Vandals

Home Prices Plummet due to Plant Vandals

Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known as  legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways, but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.
Andersonville

Jul 23, 2014

 DIY Seller Shows Realtors How to Sell

DIY Seller Shows Realtors How to Sell

Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs hanging to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and brought out his For Sale sign last used to sell his 93' Camry LE.

As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted, along with shinier flags and glossy photos of the listing agent covering the plywood windows.

Ravenswood

Jul 10, 2014

Nosey Neighbor Creeps Buyers Out

Nosey Neighbor Creeps Buyers Out

In Chicago, most residents, whether they be homeowners or renters, expect to see a sheer wall of brick or siding mere feet from their bedroom window. And when window meets window, the curtain drops. But in this Ukrainian Village two flat, a smarmy looking child refused to go to bed, content with flashing faux gang signs while brandishing a Vidal Sassoon bottle.
Ukrainian Village

Tags agent, brick, buyer, canada, chicago, creepy neighbors, gang signs, homeowner, justin bieber, real estate, realtor, tiger beat, two flat, ukrainian village, vidal sassoon, weird blog, West Town, Wicker Park

Jun 26, 2014

Gaudí Disciples Fail

Gaudí Disciples Fail

In a valiant effort to pay tribute to the Spanish surrealist architect Antonio Gaudí, the seller of these overpriced Andersonville new construction homes attempted to present classic American shake shingles in an 'updated' fashion as explained by the realtor, failing to mention that the new owner of these gaudy tinderboxes will inherit the tastes of an inebriated lego baby.
Bowmanville

Tags absurd, agent, andersonville, architect, bowmanville, buyer, chicago, drunk, gaudy, Gaudí, legos, lincoln square, luxury, new construction, overpriced, owner, real estate, realtor, seller, shake shingles, funny

Jun 19, 2014

Seller says 'Rock Not Included!'

Seller says 'Rock Not Included!'

The seller of this historic Ukrainian Village worker's cottage was adamant that the "rocks is not stay." He claimed that including them "then I make price higher but nobody paying me high price of rock." The buyer assured her realtor that she'd replace them with a more tasteful glass mosaic tile.
Ukrainian Village

Tags agent, bad taste, brick, buyer, chicago, duplex, headboard, house, immigrant, mosaic tile, real estate, realtor, rock wall, seller, two flat, ukrainian village, Wicker Park, worker's cottage, mason, weird

Jun 12, 2014

Parents Upset Child Won't Have Knob to Make Fire

Parents Upset Child Won't Have Knob to Make Fire

The progressive diaper free parents of two toddlers were upset their free range children would be unable to fully explore the magic of multiple fires in their newly acquired Wicker Park worker's cottage and are now debating the implications this could have on the future success of their children.

Wicker Park

Tags vintage stove, wicker park, chicago, bucktown, west town, worker's cottage, historic, magic chef, toddlers, parents, fire, two flat, brick, progressive, agent, sellers, buyers, realtor, montessori missing knob

Jun 3, 2014

Illinois In-Laws Refuse to Live in In-Law

Illinois In-Laws Refuse to Live in In-Law

In an argument heard several yards away, the buyers of this Andersonville two flat were berated by their in-laws after attempting to persuade them to live in their soon to be acquired in-law cottage. "I didn't bust my behind to retirement just to take care of your kids. If you can't handle it, maybe you should stick your children in there and lock the door!" The buyers are currently interviewing nannies and directors of assisted living facilities.
Andersonville

Tags agent, andersonville, backyard, brick, buyers, cheap babysitter, chicago, coach house, cottage, daycare, edgewater, garage, grandparents, in-law, lincoln square, nanny, northside, realtor, sellers, two flat, multi-family, classic

May 24, 2014

Local Boiler Hired to Teach Economics

Local Boiler Hired to Teach Economics

As economists have struggled to correctly explain the economy's direction, one well renowned Chicago university has decided to give an adjunct professorship to a local Pilsen boiler, who correctly read the economy in 1953 and again in 1979, and today serves as an adviser to many home buyers looking for clues to the market's future.
Pilsen

Tags agent, basement, boiler, bridgeport, broker, crash, economy, historic, home buyers, hyde park, market, pilsen, professor, realtor, rotting, sellers. unique, south side, two flat, University of Chicago,efficiency

May 16, 2014

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

An Avondale vanity refused to sanction the presumed beauty of her frame cottage's potential suitors. When asked by witnesses to account for such unbecoming behavior, the reflective oracle bluntly stated, "look, I'm not used to deese kind of peoples. Youse know da type, want good looks vali-dation and then upset I ain't no Robern or Kohler. $%*# dose people. I couldn't take it. So I cracked. I'm a mirror goddammit. And dis here is Avondale."

Avondale

Tags agent, avondale, Belmont, broker, bucktown, buyers, chicago, cottage, cracked, frame, listing, logan square, mirror, realtor, sellers, Snow White, two flat, vanity, victorian, you are beautiful, house, sticker

May 9, 2014

Buyer Still Looking for Bathroom

Buyer Still Looking for Bathroom

The In-Law apartment included with this Uptown multi-family building was touted as 'Euro style', and only when the buyer saw the toilet paper next to the kitchen sink did he fully understand the centuries old driving force behind U.S. immigration

UPTOWN

Tags New Tag

May 1, 2014

Liberal Couple Scared to Low-Ball

Liberal Couple Scared to Low-Ball

A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Jefferson Park

Tags agent, buyers, chicago, contract, Duck Dynasty, jefferson park, liberals, listing, low-ball, mayfair, northsiders, northwest side, NPR, offer, own, portage park, realtor, republicans, showing, two flat, multi-family

Apr 22, 2014

Large Open House Turnout Surprises Seller

Large Open House Turnout Surprises Seller

A local realtor was surprisingly honest when he told his Lincoln Square seller that the only reason he would host an open house would be to find new buyers. But the line to get in the bathroom went out the front door. When the seller came home and asked one of the many fashionable people in line why she didn't want to see the rest of the house, the girl in line exclaimed, "well, you know, we heard there was some good stuff in the bathroom, but we just heard on Twitter that they ran out, so we brought our own."
Lincoln Square

Tags agent, bathroom, blog, bowmanville, buyers, chicago, cocaine, drugs, Goonies, hashish, jars, lincoln square, open house, opium, ravenswood manor, realtor, Rockwell Crossing, seller, spanish, twitter

Apr 10, 2014

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller

A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Ravenswood Manor

Tags agent, books, boys, bungalow, buyers, chicago, complaint, discrimination, disobedient girls, divorce, erotica, historic, lincoln square, nightside table, ravenswood manor, realtor, Rockwell Crossing, seller, sexism, staging