Mar 5, 2014
Parents are tired of exposing their children to marketing devices cloaked inside adorable furry creatures. At least that was the sentiment coming from the buyer of this loft style home, in West Town, who looked at his screen-free kids before proudly blurting, "Now that is what I'm talking about. Sold!"
Feb 27, 2014
In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Feb 19, 2014
A local Chicago buyer has taken her builder to the nation's top court to decide if her hard wood floors are truly hardwood floors. The builder released this statement through his press agent, "I am builder, yes? She is ask for hard wood floor. I am make hard wood floor. I no understand problem. Lady is tell me she like deck I make very much. I am even make her special baseboard. America is crazy country."
Feb 13, 2014
Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Feb 7, 2014
Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Jan 30, 2014
A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Jan 24, 2014
In an effort to assist homebuyers in seeing past forty-three years of neglect, the owner of this Logan Square Victorian decided she would take a cue from Saturday morning cartoon advertisers and appeal to parents through their children, putting "Behind the Brown Door" on her flyers. The owner is currently debating between two offers, one in the form of a paper airplane, and the other in crayon.
Jan 14, 2014
Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Jan 6, 2014
Lured by the promise of a "rare two story waterfall", a pair of new homebuyers were duped into overlooking various details of this poorly maintained Logan Square two flat. As soon as the potential buyer asked about low water pressure, the owner would say, "oh, yeah, the waterfall does freeze up in winter but it's still beautiful. The neighbors are jealous, for sure."
Dec 25, 2013
In a year end blitzkrieg to clear their already tainted books, major U.S. banks have teamed up with local retailers to offer promotions inside foreclosed properties in a last ditch attempt to lure home buyers into properties that even members of Chicago's vaunted homeless community have derided as "making our here shelters look like da damn Drake."
Dec 16, 2013
In an effort to find some new amenity that homeowners will waste their money on, Grimm Brothers Construction, a local Chicago builder, has begun adding child-friendly fireplaces to their finished basements, with a promise that "your kids will learn the skills to enjoy life organically, creating combustion from both wood and flesh."
Old Irving Park
Dec 5, 2013
Driven by a lack of restaurants in the Old Irving Park area, one homeowner decided to create his own in-home bistro, hoping its BYO status would attract budget conscious parents looking for a night time escape. Unfortunately, the diners were not aware that it was 'bring your own everything'. The bank is including the restaurant with the home sale.
Old Irving Park
Nov 27, 2013
Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy" has yet to respond.
Nov 21, 2013
The seller of this converted Ukrainian Village storefront was adamant she appeal to those people, you know, she squawked, the ones who get it. Ninety-four days later, nobody seems to get it, except those that aren't permitted to buy the property due to a school across the street.
Nov 13, 2013
The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Nov 7, 2013
Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Oct 31, 2013
Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Oct 24, 2013
After ten grueling minutes slogging through a dilapidated Pilsen foreclosure wondering why his realtor brought him to such a place, the exasperated buyer finally saw the light. And the rat holes. And the dusty stack of unpaid bills. And, the exit.
Oct 17, 2013
After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Oct 10, 2013
A young couple looking at a worker's cottage in the Wicker Park neighborhood could not decide if they could accept the small yard, dated kitchen, and only one bathroom despite the competitive price. That was, until the matron of the home peered from behind the bedroom door, and sternly declared, "you don't buy this home, my kids don't eat."
Oct 3, 2013
The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
Sep 30, 2013
The buyer of this mid-century Rogers Park ranch had always assumed that people who were into Star Wars lived below their mothers in musty basement apartments surrounded by George Lucas propaganda. Then he came across the seller's sleek orange fireplace and rhapsodized about the stylish futuristic aesthetic of a previously dismissed class. Due to time constraints, the buyer was unable to see the charred remains of Ewoks inside the coveted fireplace.
Sep 20, 2013
God told the potential buyers of her 3 flat greystone that modern ideas of tolerance are not practical. "Back in the old days, you don't pay ya rent, I stone ya. And that don't work, I take ya first born."
Sep 12, 2013
Refusing to be another pile of mulch in yet another Chicago community garden, this quadriplegic stump survivor decided he would reclaim his final years infecting the buttocks of Wicker Park renters who forgot to move to Logan Square ten years ago.
Sep 9, 2013
A Chicago realtor advertising a Logan Square brick two flat as having a master bedroom flooded with light enticed one buyer to cancel his afternoon appointments in order to view this rare Chicago commodity. The current tenant expressed his satisfaction with the space exclaiming it was better than the run down garage he used to crash in.
Aug 29, 2013
A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Aug 23, 2013
Years after stainless steel appliances captivated kitchen owners across the country, their legacy, stained stainless, has finally taken control, and new home buyers can not wait to finally own these highly impractical overpriced machines. But one Lincoln Square curmudgeon has refused to let any home buyer get their greasy fingers on his perfectly fingered stained stainless refrigerator. And buyers are protesting by refusing to write offers.
Aug 13, 2013
With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Aug 7, 2013
For the last few years, more and more realtors are delegating sales responsibilities to the very dependable, and always hardworking, lockbox community. But sometimes a truly motivated realtor will engage in clever sales tactics like the listing agent for this fading Edgewater Victorian who deputized a local rooster to bake some cookies for the evening showings. No word on whether the lockbox was jealous.
Jul 25, 2013
Open Houses are generally known as a place where realtors can pick up new clients while pretending to be aggressively getting buyers through the home. Over the years, home baked cookies and assorted treats have been popular items to bring in nosy neighbors and other undesirables. But one Chicago agent discovered that a misplaced laundry line can really make your clients think you are working hard.