Sep 27, 2014
Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Sep 22, 2014
Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Sep 12, 2014
The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Sep 3, 2014
Buyers from throughout Chicago lined up to trip on linoleum at this rarely available craftsman bungalow in Edgewater. The listing agent advertised that "tripping on linoleum has never been so fun" but was surprised to see that her cutesy expression attracted so many disheveled people who appeared incapable of owning a home.
Aug 27, 2014
The feline guardian of this Albany Park Italianate villa was unable to deal with his castle's lack of central air conditioning despite knowing it is only needed for twenty-two days a year in Chicago. Honoring a tour of duty in Arabia that included dalliances with his more modest companions, a proud Sir Leo cooled off by raising his Stars and Stripes half-burqa.
And waiting for September so he can run free and let the uptight Virgo take over house greeting duties.
Aug 19, 2014
An elderly home seller, confused and upset, was overheard asking her realtor why so many buyers kept traipsing through her home talking about 'mad men'. The listing agent was instructed to tell all potential home buyers that the men who spent time in this room were all good family men who gathered here most weeknights to avoid interfering with their wives and children.
Aug 7, 2014
Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known as legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways, but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.
Jul 23, 2014
Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs hanging to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and brought out his For Sale sign last used to sell his 93' Camry LE.
As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted, along with shinier flags and glossy photos of the listing agent covering the plywood windows.
Jul 10, 2014
In Chicago, most residents, whether they be homeowners or renters, expect to see a sheer wall of brick or siding mere feet from their bedroom window. And when window meets window, the curtain drops. But in this Ukrainian Village two flat, a smarmy looking child refused to go to bed, content with flashing faux gang signs while brandishing a Vidal Sassoon bottle.
Jun 26, 2014
In a valiant effort to pay tribute to the Spanish surrealist architect Antonio Gaudí, the seller of these overpriced Andersonville new construction homes attempted to present classic American shake shingles in an 'updated' fashion as explained by the realtor, failing to mention that the new owner of these gaudy tinderboxes will inherit the tastes of an inebriated lego baby.
Jun 19, 2014
The seller of this historic Ukrainian Village worker's cottage was adamant that the "rocks is not stay." He claimed that including them "then I make price higher but nobody paying me high price of rock." The buyer assured her realtor that she'd replace them with a more tasteful glass mosaic tile.
Jun 12, 2014
The progressive diaper free parents of two toddlers were upset their free range children would be unable to fully explore the magic of multiple fires in their newly acquired Wicker Park worker's cottage and are now debating the implications this could have on the future success of their children.
Jun 3, 2014
In an argument heard several yards away, the buyers of this Andersonville two flat were berated by their in-laws after attempting to persuade them to live in their soon to be acquired in-law cottage. "I didn't bust my behind to retirement just to take care of your kids. If you can't handle it, maybe you should stick your children in there and lock the door!" The buyers are currently interviewing nannies and directors of assisted living facilities.
May 24, 2014
As economists have struggled to correctly explain the economy's direction, one well renowned Chicago university has decided to give an adjunct professorship to a local Pilsen boiler, who correctly read the economy in 1953 and again in 1979, and today serves as an adviser to many home buyers looking for clues to the market's future.
May 16, 2014
An Avondale vanity refused to sanction the presumed beauty of her frame cottage's potential suitors. When asked by witnesses to account for such unbecoming behavior, the reflective oracle bluntly stated, "look, I'm not used to deese kind of peoples. Youse know da type, want good looks vali-dation and then upset I ain't no Robern or Kohler. $%*# dose people. I couldn't take it. So I cracked. I'm a mirror goddammit. And dis here is Avondale."
May 9, 2014
The In-Law apartment included with this Uptown multi-family building was touted as 'Euro style', and only when the buyer saw the toilet paper next to the kitchen sink did he fully understand the centuries old driving force behind U.S. immigration
May 1, 2014
A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Apr 22, 2014
A local realtor was surprisingly honest when he told his Lincoln Square seller that the only reason he would host an open house would be to find new buyers. But the line to get in the bathroom went out the front door. When the seller came home and asked one of the many fashionable people in line why she didn't want to see the rest of the house, the girl in line exclaimed, "well, you know, we heard there was some good stuff in the bathroom, but we just heard on Twitter that they ran out, so we brought our own."
Apr 10, 2014
A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Apr 3, 2014
In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Mar 26, 2014
The Swans had no idea. They had been residing blissfully in the master ensuite, an adoring owner who thanked them repeatedly for his fortunes. Then their master left the bathroom television on by accident one day. The swans were furious. How dare their captor use a lowly duck to solicit the masses. An attempted drowning followed, then a quick call to a realtor, and now a battery executive is rumored to be the new buyer.
Mar 21, 2014
Selling a home in Hyde Park requires just the right mix of eccentricity to appeal to the neighborhood's notoriously unique reputation. And this family's children, rumored to be friends with the Obama girls, have taken to wearing their favorite furs to sell their childhood Victorian home. As an added bonus, the girls are offering buyers their famed Broccoli Brats at this weekend's open house.
Mar 19, 2014
The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Mar 12, 2014
The seller of this outdated Bucktown worker's cottage knew his lack of windows would turn off potential buyers. So he did what any native Chicagoan would do, and installed a beautiful bay window, directly on top of a five foot mound of snow. "At least he used a level," muttered one prospective buyer.
Mar 5, 2014
Parents are tired of exposing their children to marketing devices cloaked inside adorable furry creatures. At least that was the sentiment coming from the buyer of this loft style home, in West Town, who looked at his screen-free kids before proudly blurting, "Now that is what I'm talking about. Sold!"
Feb 27, 2014
In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Feb 19, 2014
A local Chicago buyer has taken her builder to the nation's top court to decide if her hard wood floors are truly hardwood floors. The builder released this statement through his press agent, "I am builder, yes? She is ask for hard wood floor. I am make hard wood floor. I no understand problem. Lady is tell me she like deck I make very much. I am even make her special baseboard. America is crazy country."
Feb 13, 2014
Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Feb 7, 2014
Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Jan 30, 2014
A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.