Aug 21, 2017

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale
Humboldt Park 

Tags agent, au pair, bucktown, buyers, chicago, diy, exchange student, extramarital, for sale, humboldt park, logan square, montessori, preschool, realtor, repurpose, Scandinavian design, toddler, Wicker Park, throne

Jul 26, 2017

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous. 
Mayfair 

Tags agent, beards, beer swag, bungalow, buyers, cheez-its, chicago, cockapoo, Dos Equis, elvis, husbands, mayfair, northside, portage park, realtor, tchotchkes, two flats, XXX, NAFTA

May 4, 2017

Double the Pleasure Double the Fun

Double the Pleasure Double the Fun

Logan Square continues to showcase why it's the hippest neighborhood in Chicago with gut renovations featuring side by side commodes where research has shown that couples/roommates/dinner guests are most likely to forge deep connections with others. With an increased interest in open marriages and advanced age triplicates, some Logan developers have even been discussing the addition of a third loo. 
Logan Square 

Feb 27, 2017

Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge. 
Hyde Park 

Tags alternative facts, buyer, chicago, comic sans, fonts, home, hyde park, Kenwood, outsource, real estate signs, realtor, seller, south side, toilet, virtual agents, next stop India

Feb 15, 2017

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge". 
Portage Park 

Tags architect, bubble, buyer, chicago, Chistmas, crawlspace, flips, garish, gentrification, hiding, lawn decoration, nazis, portage park, realtor, rehab, renovation, second floor addition, tear-down, yuuge dormer

Dec 31, 2016

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak. 
Irving Park 

Tags 2016, 2017, agent, basement, buyers, chicago, clothesline, exorcism, home, huge, Irving Park, New Year, northside, Ravensood Manor, ritual, rodents, sacrifice, sellers, Trump, two flat, WEAK

Nov 23, 2016

Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers

Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers

In an effort to undermine their elderly landlord's attempt to sell his only worthwhile asset, and hopefully preserve their very below market rent, the tenants of this renovated Lakeview 6 flat posted a distinct warning to give prospective buyers doubts on their potential purchase. As of press time, there is still no confirmation that the tenants were subsidizing the homeless gentleman that was sleeping on their front stoop. 
Lakeview 

Tags 2 flat, 6 flat, agent, asset, below market rent, exterminator, homeless, lakeview, landlord, lincoln square, prospective buyers, purchase, rats, realtor, sell, stoop, tenants, Trump sucks, warning signs, vermin

Nov 14, 2016

Trump Supporters Offer Home Staging Services

Trump Supporters Offer Home Staging Services

Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer
Bridgeport 

Tags 2016 vote, agent, attractive, buyer, charlatan, chicago, Clinton, Donald, frumpy, Hillary, Lesbian Weiners, paneling, popular vote, segregation, seller, staging, Trump, white power, Idiocracy

Oct 21, 2016

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women." 
Jefferson Park 

Tags agent, bath fan, buyer, chicago, diy, exhaust fan, home inspection report, jefferson park, mars and venus, one of a kind bathroom, portage park, real estate, seller, six corners, spousal idiots, TESL

Oct 13, 2016

Lincoln Park - The Other Side

Lincoln Park - The Other Side

Lincoln Park is known in Chicago for it's well preserved and not inexpensive buildings consistently drawing the highest square foot home pricing in the city. However, if one looks closely between the multi-million dollar renovations and urban mansions, the sight of slightly decaying hundred year old frame buildings cast an odd wrinkle to the neighboring wealth. And much to a Lincoln Parker's dismay, the old miserly landlord won't sell. And his tenants prefer Bud Light to bathing much to the consternation of nouveau Logan Square residents who, despite their boastful pride of not being 'from' Lincoln Park, only differ in their eagerness to spend a disproportionate amount of their lower incomes on micro-brewed beers, who themselves, are hoping Bud Light will finally decide to buy them out so they can retire to Lincoln Park
Lincoln Park 

Tags agent, bathtub full of cheap beer boxes, beer, inexpensive, landlord, lincoln park, logan square, micro-brewery, miser, mop, preserved, realtor, renovations, snob, square foot, tenants, urban mansion, Bud Light Bros

Sep 29, 2016

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years. 
Andersonville 

Tags agent, alley, andersonville, black magic, bowmanville, buyers, chicago, foreclose, garbage, greed, home, lincoln square, marketing, occult, Ouija board, overpriced, realtor, sellers, short sale, The Big Short weegee, squeegee

Sep 14, 2016

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments. 
West Town

Tags addiction, agent, buyer, castration, chicago, dilapidated, divorce, hgtv, home repair, horror film set, house remodeling, househunters, northside, professional, realtor, renovation, TLC, West Town, Wicker Park, plaster, lath

Aug 26, 2016

Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves

Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves

Avondale home sellers are being forced to reconsider staging their homes with bike parts from Craigslist. The rapid increase in bicycle thefts across Chicago has seen a glut in demand for used bicycle parts leaving some bike burglars covering their windows to prevent other bike burglars from burglaring their recently burgled bikes. 
Avondale 

Tags agent, avondale, bikes, blue line, broker, burglars, buyer, chicago, demand, fixed gear, hamburglar, homes, logan square, realtor, security windows, seller, staging, thieves

Aug 15, 2016

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the house-nesting dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens. 
Bronzeville 

Tags 70's, agent, allergy, Bronzeville, buyers, carpet, chicago, dust mite, elitist, flooring, hardwood, home, hyde park, philistine, real estate, renovation, salvage, seller, shag, south side

May 19, 2016

Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains

Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains

Selling a home requires money to update and repair all the neglected items homeowners have ignored over the years. But after years of dumping money into their homes, many sellers refuse to spend more money on something they want to turn around and sell. This Albany Park home creatively tried to blend cost savings while appealing to the new hipster element slowly moving into the neighborhood. The owners are just hoping buyers don't decide to try on a hat. 
Albany Park 

Tags agent, albany park, bidding war, buyers, chicago, creative, hats, hipster, Irving Park, lice, lincoln square, listing, neighborhood, pork pie, realtor, sellers, staging, unique, water damage

Apr 20, 2016

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

For a certain class of Chicago homebuyer, one seeking out historic properties at a low low price, there are elements of the 19th century they are hoping discover: tin ceilings hidden above a dropped tile ceiling, ornate molding stacked in an attic corner, stained glass windows buried in drywall, coal chute doors behind a piece of plywood. 

One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so manyChicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystonesare recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use". 
Garfield Park

Tags agents, basement, bricks, chatroom, chicago, damage, diy, flood, Garfield Park, greystones, hipster, historic, homebuyer, humboldt park, idiot, lincoln park, realtor, vintage, waterproof, yuppie

Apr 8, 2016

Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

The prospective buyers of this Pilsen two flat refused to purchase a property that didn't have at least two bathrooms on one floor. After an exhaustive search, they discovered, behind a flapping piece of plywood, a secluded defecation alcove, nestled snug between the exterior porch and brick garage, lovingly heated by a dryer exhaust vent with unobstructed views of their tenant's kilowatt usage. The wife suggested making the toilet composting. The husband added that a skylight could be nice. And they lived happily ever after. 
Pilsen

Tags agent, bathroom, brick garage, buyers, chicago, compost, cozy, crapper, creative, green, listing lies, meters, outhouse, pilsen, property, purchase, real estate, two flat, water views

Mar 30, 2016

Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell

Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell

With the internet pushing to reduce the real estate profession the way of stockbrokers and video store clerks, more realtors are looking for ways to offer value to their services. One Logan Square agent is promising sacrificed animal carcasses and Native Americans to assure a speedy and successful home sale. When the sellers of this Logan Square vintage home asked if the real estate agent also included staging as part of their services, they were confidently told, "with me, you don't need staging, just the Indian and some discarded fruit scraps." 
Logan Square 

Mar 22, 2016

It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down

It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down

Bucktown once hosted one of Chicago's largest collections of worker's cottages, compact brick A-frame structures that were a precursor to the more well known 'bungalow', both providing an affordable version of the stand alone home so many apartment dwellers craved. Now these endangered monuments to architectural modesty act as charming totems reeling in neighborhood migrants with their "oh, isn't that home cute" looks only to serve as designer landfill for their future 5400 square foot hedge fund cottage, a wall-less box of namaste nastiness. 

For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating:Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction. 
Bucktown

Tags affordable, agent, box home, bucktown, bungalow, chicago, hedge fund, historic, listing, luxury, neighborhood, new construction, new money, realtor, renovation, tear down, vintage, Wicker Park, worker's cottage, yuppie, namaste, preservation

Mar 9, 2016

Lowest Flow Toilet Attracts Green Buyers

Lowest Flow Toilet Attracts Green Buyers

In a bid to attract more discerning and eco-conscious buyers,developers and sellers alike are beginning to offer zero water toilets. While initially only popular with buyers hailing from particular countries, more environmentally savvy buyers are now requesting this resource saving dynamo. This home seller told reporters, "after dropping $100,000 on a geothermal heating system, and another $200,000 for a backyard windmill, it's a real relief to only spend a few thousand bucks on one of these." 
Rogers Park 

Tags agent, buyers, chicago, china, crapper, crunchy, developer, dump. plunger, eco, environment, Evanston, green, low flow toilet, northside, potty, realtor, rogers park, seller, roto-rooter

Feb 22, 2016

Tile That Fell off Back of Truck Found

Tile That Fell off Back of Truck Found

A citywide hunt to locate a large quantity of missing tile, intended for a graciously appointed new construction project, has been located on a historic home in Chicago's Ravenswood Manor neighborhood.   Realtors have been indundating the owner with promises of a high sales price due to the rare opportunity to live among such ornate detail. Personal injury attorneys have joined their well liked brethren in soliciting the reclusive owner in hopes of securing the role of lead counsel in the impending case of, "Chicago v. The Porch that Maims."

Ravenswood Manor 

Tags agent, albany park, American four square, bungalow, buyer, chicago, historic, lincoln square, new construction, polish, porch, ravenswood manor, realtor, seller, slip and fall, tile, trendy, why

Feb 3, 2016

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's." 
Andersonville

Tags agent, andersonville, chicago, edgewater, gut renovation, high rents, IRS, landlord, listing, mixed-use building, ravenswood, real estate, realtor, storefront, taxes, tenant, toilet, Trump, two flat

Nov 17, 2015

1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours

1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours

As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. OneAndersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into aluxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer. 
Andersonville 

Tags andersonville, brick, builder, buyers, chicago, design, developer, edgewater, high-end, luxury, minimalist, new construction, northside, porch, single-family home, tacky, traditional, two flat, hot market

Oct 29, 2015

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth. 

Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man". 
Logan Square 

Tags agent, artisanal, basement, bogeyman, bungalow, buyers, cafe, chock full o nuts, coffee, coffee can, estate, fair trade, hipster, home, home inspector, immigrant, irony, north side, re-purposing, realtor

Oct 21, 2015

Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One

Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One

When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now. 

The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flatdemanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator. 
Garfield Park 

Tags agent, buyers, chicago, closing, contract, Garfield Park, historic, home, house, property, real estate, realtor, reclaimed wood, refrigerator, seller, south side, stainless, trendy, turn of the century, two flat

Oct 8, 2015

Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom

Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom

Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays. 

Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition
Bridgeport 

Tags 2 flat, agent, As-Is, bar, basement conversion, Bill W, bridgeport, broker, buyers, children, contract, family room, home, liquor, listing, playroom, realtor, southside, transferred, two flat

Aug 14, 2015

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona. 
Portage Park 

Tags agent, blue line, brick, bungalow, chicago, clocks, condominium, home, internet, jefferson park, new construction, northwest side, obama, portage park, realtor, sellers, single family home, socialist, vintage

Jul 29, 2015

Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative

Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative

Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville homewas searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding hishouse, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project
Andersonville

Tags agent, andersonville, buyer, chicago, downspout, edgewater, flooding, gutters, historic, home, house, Lakewood Balmoral, neighborhood, projects, rain garden, realtor, repurposing, seller, water damage

Jul 15, 2015

Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful

Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful

Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth,realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees. 

Rogers Park 

Tags agent, buyers, chicago, commission, discount, edgewater, Edgewater Glen, fees, guide, hell, home, northside, outsourcing, public, real estate, realtor, red line, rogers park, sellers, signs, helvetica

Jun 26, 2015

Buyers Warned About Going Number 1

Buyers Warned About Going Number 1

The elderly seller of this Albany Park bungalow could not understand why potential buyers (or grandchildren) of his family home kept urinating in the basement. Apparently, the owner didn't know that raccoons can't read. 
Albany Park 

Tags agent, albany park, basement, brown line, bungalow, buyers, chicago, chicago river, exterminator, lincoln square, north park, number 1, pee pee, piss, raccoon, real estate, realtor, seller, signs, urine