All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

In an effort to woo sophisticated urban buyers sympathetic to the plight of marginalized prisoners, home sellers have begun to discard their glass mosaics and tumbled travertines for an aesthetic one Chicago realtor described as, "artist loft meets abandoned cellar with a sprinkle of post-millennial apocalypse".
Andersonville

After viewing too many run down properties, a buyer became incapable of making a decision when the rehab seller of this Albany Park brick two flat actually offered her a choice of hardwood floors or wool carpeting. Four evenings of online research and a litany of calls to close friends and family further incapacitated the buyer. "No problem. I am make for you special floor. Maybe you like dance, and child is play on floor. I making many floor like this. Buyer like."
Albany Park

Riding the surge of the micro seller's market sweeping certain parts of Chicago, some realtors are now referring to their Victorian twin size bedrooms as 'chambers' as in this crumbling late 19th century cottage branded as a "lovely piece of history with four splendid chambers". By this summer, local realtors hope to re-cast the utility room as a 'parlor' and the small kitchen pantry as a 'boudoir'.
Uptown

She has spent the last two months helping her husband understand how dilapidated foreclosed kitchens can transform into their dream kombucha brewing pizza baking oasis, and gone through elaborate pantomime to demonstrate how an outdated smoke stained living room can become the mid-century masterpiece they have dreamed so long about.

Now, this rabid visualizer is having to confront her own lethal skills, which she carefully whispered to her sympathetic buyer's agent, "I saw us getting ready for work in the morning. He was on the toilet and I was brushing my teeth, when I looked up in the mirror and our eyes made contact, the Tom's organic mint sprayed across the vanity. It was frightening. We have to go."
Lincoln Square

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Chicago's original Playboy club, started by Mr. Hefner in the second grade, is finally available for purchase, even including some of Hugh's earliest literature. Buyers will only be shown the famed grotto after they sign a waiver stating that if they disappear, the seller is not responsible.
AVONDALE

The former owner of this Pilsen brick two flat, affectionately know as "the landlord", had purchased a used stove from a nearby shop specializing in used stoves that purchases their stoves from gentlemen who arrive at their store early in the morning accompanied by a shopping cart and a refreshing beverage.

When the previous owner of the building was unable to pay his mortgage due to the over borrowing of additional money against his property, his tenant, allegedly an artist, decided that she would be the caretaker of the stove, even going so far as to claim it as her very own. Now, the bank, who will not give the artist a loan, but was more than willing to loan to the previous owner, has taken ownership of the stove. As of this writing, there were gentleman, transported by a simple four wheeled vehicle, enjoying a cloaked beverage while inspecting the property.
Pilsen

Buyers have been reluctant to enter this Avondale single family home due to the imposing snow thing placed near the entry by an agent notorious for expressing his negotiation skills in various manners, including Autumn's previously erected stiff and rigid scarecrow, and last summer's impressively thick and imposing sand castle.
Avondale

Legions of embarrassed potty makers, especially those looking to purchase potty maker friendly houses in the City of Chicago, have taken to social media to express their gratitude to the growing number of home sellers and developers who recognize the often forgotten community of home buyers suffering from Potty Making Syndrome.

For years, these home buyers, and others, have had to waste countless gallons of water and innumerable excuses to convince passers by that the potty making machine was not in use. Now, with the help of Victorian furniture, born in an era when people understood the perils of potty making, potty making outfitters have introduced the perfect potty making foil allowing users to simply leave the door open while they enjoy their magazine with a spot of tea.
Lakeview

In an effort to further minimize the time they spend working, listing agents have decided that their clients would be better served by Kinko's new Realtor Helvetica than then they would by a smiling face that informs potential buyers that the bright room they are looking at is in fact, bright.
Lakeview

The potential buyer of this Logan Square turn of the century brick two flat was surprised to discover the ominous message looming over his prospective backyard. The longtime owner noticed the buyer's look of despair and cheerily added, "Oh, don't mind that, the sponsor seems to change every decade or so, but the message is always the same."
Logan Square

After spending several months searching for a historically accurate Lincoln Park home, the new owner has spent every morning of his first week of residence staring at his showers before giving up and retreating to the sink basin. Sources claim that he is hopeful that next week will bring better luck.
Lincoln Park

The recent publication of the annual Bucktown Bucket List has not only upset the potential buyers of new Bucktown property, but apparently the proprietors of Lottie's pub, a neighborhood watering hole notorious as that illicit gambling den run by a transvestite named Walter that eventually became a Bucktown meeting place for residents looking for a dark intimate place to escape. The owners have expressed frustration that "those darn bucket list writers" don't recognize the value of a transformed bar generously surrounded by large flat screen televisions offering sporting events at loud volumes while providing Miller Lite specials and discounted halftime Jager Bombs.
Bucktown

In a nascent effort to alter the perception of real estate as an industry that emulates the ethics of third world governments, a local Chicago real estate firm has decided to remove their lovely For Sale signs and the welcoming women who adorn them. In their place, signs directing the buyer to potential issues with the property have been installed. Buyers are even given a certified inspection report upon previewing the property to ensure they know exactly what they are bidding on.
Humboldt Park

Having failed to connive potential buyers with home baked cookies, a Ukrainian Village couple, proudly selling their severely overpriced brick three flat, has resorted to giving away free alcohol in an effort to blur buyers' ability to notice smallish bedrooms, an outdated kitchen, those three elongated cracks in the ceiling, and the strong odor of wet Labrador mixed with rotting Indian food leftovers.
Ukrainian Village

The owner of this West Town multi-unit was unable to continue occupying his near West Side building due to an unfortunate circumstance which consisted of his inability to stop thinking about how much easier life would be in Arizona. Upon absconding from his Chicago brick pit, he asked his good friend, whom he'd met in a World Market, if he would watch over his valuable Commodore 64 computer and stack of confidential floppy disks.
West Town

The potential buyers of this 1890's Lakeview Victorian displayed profound concern upon descending into the basement to discover that the entire house was being supported by tree trunks. The wife looked over to her husband, and in a firm but slightly anxious voice, said, "We have GOT to get out of here. Why wouldn't they support their home with wood posts like everybody else. This is NOT safe. We have GOT to go. NOW!"
Lakeview