Sep 26, 2019
Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.
At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Jul 18, 2019
A Logan Square homeowner frustrated that nobody would buy her home has decided 'For Sale' signs are a complete waste in a buying culture that relies solely on online access. In an effort to attract buyers to acknowledge the existence of her lovely vintageyet modern home, she has turned to large handmade boards expressing puzzling non-sequitur phrases. Similar to Open Houses, people are now stopping there, but they still aren't buying, and seem quite upset that nobody is providing them with cookies.
May 16, 2019
It has become common knowledge, at least among Chicago home shoppers, that attics make ideal places for teenagers to experiment with mind alternating substances, fathers to yearn for their ancestral caves, wives to store the decomposing corpses of their missing in-laws, and poltergeists to roam free. But what is seldom discussed in real estate, or housing as it is known to some, is that attics make really kick-a$$ spaces to bring some light into an otherwise dark room, provide additional headroom, and simply offer a place for the phantasms to nest in the forgotten vegetation of the unreachable ceiling.
Apr 12, 2019
Chicago's neighboring borough to the north has long been described as colorful, an accepting place where Benetton was not merely an ad, but rather a way of living. It's a city-state-township that showcases it's Purple Lines in equal proportion to it's Black Matters. In a continued effort to demonstrate it's prowess at reaching beyond ROY G BIV, Evanston is now welcoming the Browns. And as in many things Evanstonian, this color must abide by a stringent set of rules or risk dismissal from the NIMBY Kingdom.
Evanston (where else)
Mar 3, 2019
Open Houses are not much different than politics - they make the seller think there is a lot of interest in their home, and hence their 'representative' is doing a great job, when in fact they are a conduit to allow a multitude of unrepresented buyers an introduction to their potential new representative, the 'hard working' open house host. But when the freshman house rep chooses the emblem of southern invaders to lure his unsuspecting constituents, he probably forgot that the far northwest side of Chicago is a stronghold of the MAGA RED. Several protesters were seen lurking around following the demonstration, hoping for an opportunity to get a little Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. One protestor, barely able to speak as a volcano of cheesy substance splooged from his mouth, mumbled, "what...doritos belong to us!"
Dec 20, 2018
Selling a home over the holidays, once known as Christmas and New Years, is usually considered a sign of desperation, much like going to a bar alone on Christmas morning. Sellers in Chicago, as in much of the country, will take their homes off the market for roughly 6-8 weeks to not give the impression that they are indeed that same individual who stumbled into the bar Christmas morning. For the brave few who decide to expose their desperation to the city's rabid home buying population, limits are considered a must, and realtors are requested to find tactful ways of displaying their clients' wishes.
Nov 20, 2018
Buyers were not interested in the Jewel cookies or poorly staged bedrooms of this Rogers Park historic bungalow, but they all agreed on thing - that 'art thing' over the living room windows was 'really f*&king cool'. When told by the listing agent that the really f*&king cool art thing was not included in the sale, potential buyers were outraged, stating it was the 'only thing in the house of any value'. The realtor apologized profusely, then offered extra cookies to anybody willing to write an offer right there and then. One rather large gentleman wrote an offer, took his free box of cookies, and left. Upon reviewing the offer, the listing agent muttered a bit too loudly, "I f*&king hate open houses."
Oct 29, 2018
A Bowmanville homeowner dismayed at the high prices people are paying for homes in his neighborhood decided to offend loyalists of America's largest two political parties mistakenly assuming said leaders and their adherents were the cause for the removal of affordable housing stock in this newly desirable enclave hidden between Lincoln Square and Andersonville. It was later revealed that the true reason the sourpuss could not simply stick upside down witches' legs in his yard like everybody else was due to the fact that no buyer would pay him the Redfin estimate for his home.
Sep 17, 2018
The potential buyers of this classic pre-war Rogers Park home were so offended by the implication that they should 'get in bed' at an Open House that they finally enacted their destiny by taking their home search to lovely suburban Naperville, where the schools are better, the communities employ darling aspirational names, and neighbors simply request you place your keys in a bowl when coming to their 'special' nighttime parties, highlighting the social etiquette so desperately needed in Chicago.
Aug 10, 2018
Chicago's Albany Park neighborhood is known for it's wide array of inexpensive and delicious international eateries. However, the rising cost of Northside real estate has forced some enterprising restaurateurs into the city's burgeoning micro-restaurant scene, known colloquially as "eating at somebody's house". The latest underground hotspot to avoid the marauding onslaught of Yelp reviewers is the trendy 3368, serving up tasty delicacies from the caves of Afghanistan and select Pakistani compounds. Those fortunate enough to have dined at 3368 caution against the erratic hours and mercurial owner residing in the basement cellar.
Jun 26, 2018
The Convertible Garage business is booming. In Chicago, garages are generally poorly constructed frame structures left to rot until they collapse, or endure the wrath of a certain spouse who possesses supernatural abilities to foresee impending death. An enterprising Northside entrepreneur did what Amercians do best - find a need for something useless and promote it until it's needed. Soon, he discovered a segment of collapsing garage owners who craved room for their favorite sports but Chicago'ssmall backyards were unable to accommodate.
So they began offering Rink-Rages, HalfCourt-Rages, and Raquetball-Rages. When the proprietor was confronted about the anger he was infusing into his products in an era of the Anti-Bully, the press were told "well, I can't do the phonetic 'Raj" or I would have to deal with the Anti-Colonial British Empire hating crowd, and they have far more Instagram followers." The same Mahatma devotee was told his business had no place in Logan Square due to the hipster dismissal of sports as "too bro." Reporters were then told, "Logan is now Brogan, and all the hipsters have left for run-down mid-century homes in Northern Indiana."
May 23, 2018
Since Nancy Reagan's brutal War on Carpets decimated the furry flooring business, rugrats throughout the Basement Nation have been clamoring for it's return, joining various occult forces to expedite the demise of the public's soulless hardwood floor addiction. And they appear to be winning. winning. Realtors have long been this great country's arbiter of what a homeowner needs to be fulfilled, and Chicago real estate agents are infamous for taking a leading role, whether it be in redlining or blockbusting, granite or waterbeds, you can count on your local realtor to assure the Joneses are never too far ahead. Upon viewing this Lakeview single family home, the buyers remarked, "Who the f*#k wants carpet. We're outta here."
Apr 27, 2018
The low rent paying tenants of this Logan Square three flatpromised the out of state owner of their building that they'd be happy to assist with fixing up the basement and making sure prospective buyers had full access to the property. The seller's realtor has also been happy with this arrangement which has allowed him to charge a full commission while never having to actually go to the property. After sixty-seven weeks on the market, neither seller nor agent can figure out why their once 'hot' property is not selling.
Apr 11, 2018
A friend of Jay-Z's old neighbor's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law wanted perspective buyers of his Lincoln Square three flatto know that all offers would require an extended period of time for a response as he'll need to wait for certain outside advice on how to counter.
Feb 14, 2018
Attending an open house in Andersonville this weekend proved dangerous for an out of town squirrel. The visiting rodent was interested in seeing the spacious attic potential homebuyers had been talking about but was unable to find parking on the street due to the proliferation of discarded lawn furniture residents were using to claim public parking spaces. The attic squatting varmint was unaware that fifteen minutes of shoveling entitled a shoveler to indefinite ownership over said area despite the fact that her people have long practiced a similar claim after boring holes below a roofline. The last time a witness spotted the garden tormentor alive was when she discreetly placed the dibs items on the parkway. Services are being held at nearby Keim Furs.
Dec 20, 2017
The Chicago neighborhood of Woodlawn has been experiencing the interest of developers and home buyers priced out of neighboring Hyde Park. But another curious entity has also discovered this Southside trend - Santa. Just days before the celebration of Christ's birth, children's toys have been mysteriously turning up in vacant backyards throughout Woodlawn and South Shore.
One source close to the nimble footed Chunky Claus told reporters that she heard him mumbling about the unaccommodating hours of Toys-R-Us, then the higher cost of elf labor, and now the unrelenting assault by "Amazonk" who has essentially rendered his services worthless. It has been rumored that the former head of the largest toy distributing ring in the universe is considering driving for Lyft, telling the unnamed source "I don't need GPS, and I can cover way more ground than these schlubs. Sure after factoring in the cost of additional reindeers, increased reindeer dietary needs and reindeer insurance, I probably won't make much more than minimum wage, but what I am gonna do - sit around with those greedy midgets all winter."
Dec 1, 2017
Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?"
Oct 24, 2017
Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Sep 26, 2017
The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination.
Aug 21, 2017
A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale.
Jul 26, 2017
A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
May 4, 2017
Logan Square continues to showcase why it's the hippest neighborhood in Chicago with gut renovations featuring side by side commodes where research has shown that couples/roommates/dinner guests are most likely to forge deep connections with others. With an increased interest in open marriages and advanced age triplicates, some Logan developers have even been discussing the addition of a third loo.
Feb 15, 2017
As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Dec 31, 2016
The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Nov 23, 2016
In an effort to undermine their elderly landlord's attempt to sell his only worthwhile asset, and hopefully preserve their very below market rent, the tenants of this renovated Lakeview 6 flat posted a distinct warning to give prospective buyers doubts on their potential purchase. As of press time, there is still no confirmation that the tenants were subsidizing the homeless gentleman that was sleeping on their front stoop.
Nov 14, 2016
A Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer.
Oct 21, 2016
The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women."
Oct 13, 2016
Lincoln Park is known in Chicago for it's well preserved and not inexpensive buildings consistently drawing the highest square foot home pricing in the city. However, if one looks closely between the multi-million dollar renovations and urban mansions, the sight of slightly decaying hundred year old frame buildings cast an odd wrinkle to the neighboring wealth. And much to a Lincoln Parker's dismay, the old miserly landlord won't sell. And his tenants prefer Bud Light to bathing much to the consternation of nouveau Logan Square residents who, despite their boastful pride of not being 'from' Lincoln Park, only differ in their eagerness to spend a disproportionate amount of their lower incomes on micro-brewed beers, who themselves, are hoping Bud Light will finally decide to buy them out so they can retire to Lincoln Park.
Sep 29, 2016
Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Sep 14, 2016
An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments.