Feb 27, 2017

Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge. 
Hyde Park 

Tags alternative facts, buyer, chicago, comic sans, fonts, home, hyde park, Kenwood, outsource, real estate signs, realtor, seller, south side, toilet, virtual agents, next stop India

Mar 18, 2015

Hockey Dad Promises Better Rink Next Year

Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool. 
Logan Square 

Tags agent, basement, Blackhawks, brick, chicago, children, cps, dad, divorce, flooding, hockey, home seller, ice, ice rink, logan square, Palmer Square, pool, realtor, three flat, unique, mold

Sep 22, 2014

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its

Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Tags agent, bungalow, buyer, chicago, craigslist, diy, eminent domain, home, internet, listing, mayfair, monopoly, portage park, post-it, property, real estate, realtor, seller, trulia, zillow

Apr 5, 2013

Owner Not So Sure About Open Kitchen

All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

Apr 2, 2013

Penitentiary Chic Replaces Travertine Oasis

In an effort to woo sophisticated urban buyers sympathetic to the plight of marginalized prisoners, home sellers have begun to discard their glass mosaics and tumbled travertines for an aesthetic one Chicago realtor described as, "artist loft meets abandoned cellar with a sprinkle of post-millennial apocalypse".
Andersonville

Mar 22, 2013

Hybrid Flooring Solves Buyer's Insomnia

After viewing too many run down properties, a buyer became incapable of making a decision when the rehab seller of this Albany Park brick two flat actually offered her a choice of hardwood floors or wool carpeting. Four evenings of online research and a litany of calls to close friends and family further incapacitated the buyer. "No problem. I am make for you special floor. Maybe you like dance, and child is play on floor. I making many floor like this. Buyer like."
Albany Park

Mar 19, 2013

CHAMBER Helps Sell Tiny Bedrooms

Riding the surge of the micro seller's market sweeping certain parts of Chicago, some realtors are now referring to their Victorian twin size bedrooms as 'chambers' as in this crumbling late 19th century cottage branded as a "lovely piece of history with four splendid chambers". By this summer, local realtors hope to re-cast the utility room as a 'parlor' and the small kitchen pantry as a 'boudoir'.
Uptown

Tags agent, andersonville, bedroom, boudoir, buyers, chamber, chicago, cottage, edgewater, lincoln square, parlor, property, real estate, realtor, sellers, single family, two flat, uptown, victorian, vintage

Mar 15, 2013

Wife's Visualization Not Always an Asset

She has spent the last two months helping her husband understand how dilapidated foreclosed kitchens can transform into their dream kombucha brewing pizza baking oasis, and gone through elaborate pantomime to demonstrate how an outdated smoke stained living room can become the mid-century masterpiece they have dreamed so long about.

Now, this rabid visualizer is having to confront her own lethal skills, which she carefully whispered to her sympathetic buyer's agent, "I saw us getting ready for work in the morning. He was on the toilet and I was brushing my teeth, when I looked up in the mirror and our eyes made contact, the Tom's organic mint sprayed across the vanity. It was frightening. We have to go."
Lincoln Square

Tags agent, barf, bathroom, blog, buyers, chicago, colgate, coonley, foreclosure, glass block, lincoln square, mirror, privacy, real estate, stall, three flat, toilet, two flat, vintage, visualize glory hole

Mar 12, 2013

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Mar 8, 2013

Hugh Hefner's Original Club For Sale

Chicago's original Playboy club, started by Mr. Hefner in the second grade, is finally available for purchase, even including some of Hugh's earliest literature. Buyers will only be shown the famed grotto after they sign a waiver stating that if they disappear, the seller is not responsible.
AVONDALE

Mar 5, 2013

Bank Steals Tenant's Stolen Stove

The former owner of this Pilsen brick two flat, affectionately know as "the landlord", had purchased a used stove from a nearby shop specializing in used stoves that purchases their stoves from gentlemen who arrive at their store early in the morning accompanied by a shopping cart and a refreshing beverage.

When the previous owner of the building was unable to pay his mortgage due to the over borrowing of additional money against his property, his tenant, allegedly an artist, decided that she would be the caretaker of the stove, even going so far as to claim it as her very own. Now, the bank, who will not give the artist a loan, but was more than willing to loan to the previous owner, has taken ownership of the stove. As of this writing, there were gentleman, transported by a simple four wheeled vehicle, enjoying a cloaked beverage while inspecting the property.
Pilsen

Mar 1, 2013

Hard & Firm Snowman Scaring Buyers

Buyers have been reluctant to enter this Avondale single family home due to the imposing snow thing placed near the entry by an agent notorious for expressing his negotiation skills in various manners, including Autumn's previously erected stiff and rigid scarecrow, and last summer's impressively thick and imposing sand castle.
Avondale

Feb 26, 2013

Embarrassed Potty Makers Elated & Relieved

Legions of embarrassed potty makers, especially those looking to purchase potty maker friendly houses in the City of Chicago, have taken to social media to express their gratitude to the growing number of home sellers and developers who recognize the often forgotten community of home buyers suffering from Potty Making Syndrome.

For years, these home buyers, and others, have had to waste countless gallons of water and innumerable excuses to convince passers by that the potty making machine was not in use. Now, with the help of Victorian furniture, born in an era when people understood the perils of potty making, potty making outfitters have introduced the perfect potty making foil allowing users to simply leave the door open while they enjoy their magazine with a spot of tea.
Lakeview

Feb 22, 2013

Realtors Outsourcing Themselves to Kinkos

In an effort to further minimize the time they spend working, listing agents have decided that their clients would be better served by Kinko's new Realtor Helvetica than then they would by a smiling face that informs potential buyers that the bright room they are looking at is in fact, bright.
Lakeview

Feb 20, 2013

Backyard Offers Stark View of Reality

The potential buyer of this Logan Square turn of the century brick two flat was surprised to discover the ominous message looming over his prospective backyard. The longtime owner noticed the buyer's look of despair and cheerily added, "Oh, don't mind that, the sponsor seems to change every decade or so, but the message is always the same."
Logan Square

Feb 18, 2013

New Owner Opts to Shower in Sink

After spending several months searching for a historically accurate Lincoln Park home, the new owner has spent every morning of his first week of residence staring at his showers before giving up and retreating to the sink basin. Sources claim that he is hopeful that next week will bring better luck.
Lincoln Park

Feb 15, 2013

Lottie's Upset Over Bucktown Bucket List

The recent publication of the annual Bucktown Bucket List has not only upset the potential buyers of new Bucktown property, but apparently the proprietors of Lottie's pub, a neighborhood watering hole notorious as that illicit gambling den run by a transvestite named Walter that eventually became a Bucktown meeting place for residents looking for a dark intimate place to escape. The owners have expressed frustration that "those darn bucket list writers" don't recognize the value of a transformed bar generously surrounded by large flat screen televisions offering sporting events at loud volumes while providing Miller Lite specials and discounted halftime Jager Bombs.
Bucktown

Feb 13, 2013

For Sale Sign Replaced with Honest Signs

In a nascent effort to alter the perception of real estate as an industry that emulates the ethics of third world governments, a local Chicago real estate firm has decided to remove their lovely For Sale signs and the welcoming women who adorn them. In their place, signs directing the buyer to potential issues with the property have been installed. Buyers are even given a certified inspection report upon previewing the property to ensure they know exactly what they are bidding on.
Humboldt Park

Feb 8, 2013

Free Cookies Didn't Work at Open House

Having failed to connive potential buyers with home baked cookies, a Ukrainian Village couple, proudly selling their severely overpriced brick three flat, has resorted to giving away free alcohol in an effort to blur buyers' ability to notice smallish bedrooms, an outdated kitchen, those three elongated cracks in the ceiling, and the strong odor of wet Labrador mixed with rotting Indian food leftovers.
Ukrainian Village

Feb 5, 2013

Limbless Man Asked to Protect Floppy Disks

The owner of this West Town multi-unit was unable to continue occupying his near West Side building due to an unfortunate circumstance which consisted of his inability to stop thinking about how much easier life would be in Arizona. Upon absconding from his Chicago brick pit, he asked his good friend, whom he'd met in a World Market, if he would watch over his valuable Commodore 64 computer and stack of confidential floppy disks.
West Town

Jan 30, 2013

Missing Wood Posts Concern Buyer

The potential buyers of this 1890's Lakeview Victorian displayed profound concern upon descending into the basement to discover that the entire house was being supported by tree trunks. The wife looked over to her husband, and in a firm but slightly anxious voice, said, "We have GOT to get out of here. Why wouldn't they support their home with wood posts like everybody else. This is NOT safe. We have GOT to go. NOW!"
Lakeview

Jan 25, 2013

Statue of Liberty Sees the Light, Finally

After two centuries of darkness, struggling with the anxieties and tumult that come with being the sole bearer of liberty, Our Fair and Balanced Lady has finally seen the light. She was abducted by the unidentified flying object from the roof of this brick Avondale three flat at approximately twenty-three hundred hours yesterday evening by resident aliens who apparently mistook Our Lady for the illegal aliens that were harboring her.
AVONDALE

Jan 22, 2013

Seller Impresses With Amazing City View

The seller of this historic Little Italy rowhouse spent the entire house tour extolling the magnificent panoramic city views that his rooftop deck afforded. Once the group of potential buyers arrived on the legendary roof, one disrespectful attendee questioned, "which way is the city? I can't see anything." A clearly surprised owner quickly replied, "That place, over there, you see it, that one building. That's downtown baby, downtown Chi-town! "
Little Italy

Jan 18, 2013

Condo Board Declares Van an Eyesore

In a move widely lauded by the residents of that new construction condo building on West Lawrence that looks like every other new construction condo building in Chicago, the Condo Board mandated the immediate removal of the "crazy black van" because it detracted from the ornate architecture of their building. Various home insurance companies are now competing for the high visibility parking spot.
Mayfair

Jan 14, 2013

Progressive Parents Ban Cell Phones

In an effort save their family from the ills of a cell phone addicted society, one Albany Park couple has installed a pay phone, which was explained to the potential buyers of their organically decorated three flat as "necessary to combat the destruction of our culture, and besides, after paying for Montessori, Whole Foods delivery and our Audi Diesel, who afford those crazy phone bills. Hey, could I borrow your phone to check my email for a minute?"
Albany Park

Jan 11, 2013

Portage Park Pee Pee Peeves Purchaser

After a splendid tour of this Portage Park bungalow, the would-be buyer was already imagining her living room furniture in the crown molding stained glass living room, until she had to excuse herself for the restroom. Upon returning, she freaked out that the seller had the audacity to chart her pee pee. "I haven't eat asparagus in days," she cried.
Portage Park

Jan 3, 2013

New Year Vow Shields TV from Cruel World

In an effort to protect the only possession he owns outright, the seller of this Edgewater vintage single family home promised his 61" plasma television that it would no longer be forced to witness the stream of buyers that have spent the past year walking in front of it, grumbling about how they refused to pay 2006 prices for a neglected home that hasn't been updated since the first Mayor Daley was in office.

Edgewater

Dec 22, 2012

Direct Vent Toilet Fan a Big Hit

Tired of the inefficiencies of his standard bathroom exhaust fan, a crafty Ukrainian Village home seller came up with a solution to put Glade out of business. He proudly told one potential home buyer, "Before, even after three minute, very bad smell, yes, but now you spend maybe one hour, and still yes smelling like the new."


Ukrainian Village

Dec 18, 2012

Cable Keeps Clothes Dry & Supports Building

A Wicker Park family faced a dilemma with their two flat: they wanted to Go Green for their lovely son yet not spend money. So instead of replacing their broken dryer or destroying their crumbling rear porch, they devised a solution to make natural fabric dryers and indoor zipliners jealous. Surprisingly, the family has abandoned the property.
Wicker Park

Dec 14, 2012

Free Range Chicken Enjoying Captivity

The tenants of this Edgewater three flat decided that their backyard chicken might enjoy the indoors for the winter. After initial disappointment at the lack of space, the formerly free ranging chicken has really taken to his new environs, enjoying such delicacies as peanut butter, soy sauce, mild mango salsa, a variety of Hormel products and finely aged half eaten pizza.

Edgewater