Feb 22, 2016
A citywide hunt to locate a large quantity of missing tile, intended for a graciously appointed new construction project, has been located on a historic home in Chicago's Ravenswood Manor neighborhood. Realtors have been indundating the owner with promises of a high sales price due to the rare opportunity to live among such ornate detail. Personal injury attorneys have joined their well liked brethren in soliciting the reclusive owner in hopes of securing the role of lead counsel in the impending case of, "Chicago v. The Porch that Maims."
Feb 3, 2016
When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."
Nov 17, 2015
As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. OneAndersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into aluxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer.
Oct 29, 2015
Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.
Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Oct 21, 2015
When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now.
The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flatdemanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Oct 8, 2015
A Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays.
Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.
Aug 14, 2015
The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Jul 29, 2015
Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville homewas searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding hishouse, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project.
Jul 15, 2015
Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth,realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees.
Jun 26, 2015
The elderly seller of this Albany Park bungalow could not understand why potential buyers (or grandchildren) of his family home kept urinating in the basement. Apparently, the owner didn't know that raccoons can't read.
Jun 17, 2015
In preparation for July 4th, the potential seller of this Pilsen home let it be known that God blesses our nation and private property, however God will not consider VA loans. Cash only please.
Jun 12, 2015
The tenants of this Pilsen two flat were bemoaning increasing rents to prospective buyers of their building, highlighting their third world television as a prime example of their financial difficulties. They then retreated to their enclosed porch to watch a BitTorrent download of Game of Thrones on their newMacbook.
Jun 1, 2015
In an effort to provide users with a guilt-free experience, the sellers of this Avondale single family home have created a towering structure guaranteed to conquer even the worst odors. Broan fans have allegedly announced a merger with Febreze to thwart all efforts at unseating their monopoly on the residential bathroom experience.
May 20, 2015
Generations of Americans have wondered why the Aliens, the ones on UFOs, never seem to land in a big city. Well they finally did! And now the owner of this Edgewater home wants out. The extra terrestrial infestation is likely driving the sale of this non-traditional Chicago home, which some are speculating could be the latest design for the now ubiquitous boxy SmartTech home. As of press time, the aliens are postponing showings until they can remove all signs of Earthly life.
May 4, 2015
Cookies baking at Open Houses, perfectly organized closets and color coordinated shelves failed to woo a discriminating home buyer who claimed "that garbage doesn't work on me." He later remarked, on repeated occasions, "do they honestly think that I'm that stupid?" And then he chanced upon the owner's bed, which glimpsed his Dostoevsky novel and reading glasses, perfectly laid down before he raced into his travertine glass mosaic full body spray rain shower on his way to the office. Sold! 4 month old unspoiled fruit and water-free orchids included.
Apr 24, 2015
In a real estate market this hot, simply discussing the sale of yourhome brings in offers. And the ever-so-clever real estate business has a plan for you. For a mere $6,950, they'll take a photo, click the upload button, leave a box on your door with keys to your home and for a limited time only, visit the property one time to post a professional SOLD sign.
Apr 15, 2015
Size still matters. That is the hard lesson a deflated DISH TV was feeling in West Town during an Open House this past Sunday. Buyers and their realtors were pouring into the backyard, a normally lackluster experience in Chicago, raving about "how big it is", and "oh my, I haven't seen one that big since college", and the often repeated, "they probably won't be leaving that".
Apr 6, 2015
Enchanted by 1950's and 1980's decor, a very young and hipLogan Square couple knew they found their dream house when they came across this Tiki jacuzzi tub in the master suite. As theirrealtor pointed out the likely defects in the heating and plumbing system, along with the large foundation wall cracks, the buyers continued talking about the huge Mai-Tai bath parties they were going to have before exclaiming they were ready to offer.
Mar 18, 2015
A Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool.
Mar 11, 2015
An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the listing agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Feb 19, 2015
"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Feb 11, 2015
A beheaded Cape buffalo overheard potential buyers discussing how he could be included with the sale of this historic three flat. Initially, he was peeved at being referred to as a mere 'bull', but what really enraged him was the buyers' decision to put their tv over the fireplace and move the buffalo to the future basement bar. "My master once had a tv over the fireplace, but when he brought me home from the auction, I told him, 'what kind of philistine are you? Don't you ever put a television over a fireplace! What kind of fu*#*@ idiot does that? And if somebody is going to be the center of attention, it's me godda$#%*!" The buffalo convinced the seller to get an additional five thousand dollars for the head so the buffalo could buy a 3D printout of his body and get the $#@! out of Lincoln Park."
Feb 3, 2015
The kitchen countertops weren't right. And the tile in the bathroom was too big. And those earth tones on the wall were just terrible. Some plebeians would attempt a moderate renovation, or god forbid, live with it. But among the new elite class that are flocking to Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood. status has become defined by how recently your home was built.
Jan 25, 2015
Avondale is Chicago's next hot neighborhood, and realtors have been relentlessly pursuing owners to sell their poorly maintained frame homes. But on a recent Sunday afternoon, one homeowner, irate and shirtless in January, was seen screaming from his front porch, "I refuse to sell my home of twenty-three years just so some website designing smartphone brat can live in walking distance to a twenty dollar cocktail. How much you think I can get? WHAT??? You guys all suck! Why don't you bother my neighbor, she's invisible so you might have better luck. JAG!!!"
Jan 12, 2015
One of Chicago's top real estate agents refused to disappoint his clients. The buyers were not interested in restoring an older home or dealing with the quirks associated with vintage properties in Chicago. They wanted something new, so their agent took them to a property near the el with city views. And then he offset his clients fearful looks with a surprising billboard validating his assertions about change.
Dec 30, 2014
Declaring that "Roscoe Village is done!", a collective of rarely seen Beanie Babies have decided to sell their quaint Roscoe Village house. "You know, we like moved here twenty plus years ago. Back then we were the only babies around. Now, babies are everywhere." Asked where to next, the group was split with older babies crying, "cities are nothin' more than overpriced boutiques and slums. We're going to get a farm in Indiana, plenty of shelf space there." But the younger ones simply said, "southside, baby."
Dec 24, 2014
Modern homeowners who have allowed the mason industry to fulfill their desires for 'taller than my neighbor' structures have started to irritate Chicago's most respected chimney sweep. Speaking to reporters during his busy season, the heavyset Union boss said, "This is it. I'm done after this year. I can't be expected to fit in there. I hear there are some Drones from the Amazon that charge less then me. Let them do it. Little people, I seen them. Illegals probably, gonna put me out of business. But I don't care. I'm moving to Mexico to live off my social security."
Dec 17, 2014
With yuletide hopes that some holiday shopper may overlook his years of deferred maintenance due to frequent trips to a far far away place, a Ravenswood Vulcan has decided to include his rare collection of plasticized family members should an intrepid buyer be willing to pay the steep list price on his neglected Victorian. Batteries not included.
Dec 8, 2014
As the rise of unaffordable new construction homes sweeps Humboldt Park and Logan Square, home improvement stores are unable to keep fence pickets in stock as new neighbors begin the process of walling off from the native inhabitants. Some residents have protested by utilizing the remains of light pole festering bicycles in an effort to show new homeowners the essence of Logan Square. One bike fence re-purposer remarked, "This is Logan. Logan equals bikes. And bikes were here first." When asked why he didn't move further west where he could afford real pickets, the bike fencer responded, "Uh, well, there is nowhere to get a locally grown Mulled Apple Cider Ginger Mule."
Nov 18, 2014
An Edgewater garage, proud to be a member of the famed Balmoral alley, has decided to offset the premature Polar Vortex by allowing neighborhood rodents, vermin and other feral strays to lodge beneath her warm rafters.
When asked about the potential problems that might be caused for the home's sellers, the garage quickly responded, "Look, these buyers today don't care about us. My friends down the alley already warned me. The real estate agent says, 'do you want to see the garage', and they are like, 'no, that's ok. it's just a garage'. Just a garage! Well, I'll show them. Let's see what they think of my little betting parlor here, Rats vs. Cat. Already got a reality tv show calling."